Doing Gila Mandelson Proud

I spend my whole day checking out women. I know it sounds like I have some repression sexuality spectrum issues but it's true.

I watch women.

I watch to see what they are wearing.

You see, adoring public, as a skirt/sleeve/neckline wearer of the orthodox female variety every piece of clothing has to be evaluated from both a fashion and a tsniut perspective.

As such, I'm consistently checking out the other girls at university to see if I could wear what they are wearing or what additional items are required to hide my nakedness.

In Israel if I find a girl whose entire outfit I could wear, it normally means that she's also religious.

In Australia however, I extracted much joy from discovering random Asians, Indians, Africans who seem to have gotten their outfits straight from halichos bas yisroel (it's where I get all my fashion trips from). Granted, the frequency of these sightings decreases as summer approaches.

Case in note random adorable Asian girl in the top left hand corner from http://facehunter.blogspot.com/

I could wear this outfit very easily, it even includes stockings, flat shoes and to-the-elbow sleeves! How the bearded and hatted would approve! Not to mention that she looks like she's just my size! Ahhhhh she's the frum Asian me!

As a final note on this topic to young single kippa wearers. I strongly recommended that you appreciate the skill required to hide those knees but still look like a normal human being. You might want to consider compliments as a way of positive reinforcement.

Thanx boys.

Skullcaps

As you can notice I've been bloggin alot recently. This is because I have an assignment on international humanitarian law due (by that I mean its overdue already) and blogging is a surefire way to avoid being a responsible student while pretending to study b/c hey, atleast I'm on my laptop!

So I think we need to discuss kippot. I've recently returned to my kippa factory ways which has given me a lot of food for thought in terms of classifying whole and complex human beings based purely on what they wear on their heads. As such without further ado here is such a list.

1) Dead Animals - This could be anything from a spoddik to a shtreimel and it basically provides a strong warning for me to stay far far away. That is unless I feel like living in 18th century white Russia while singing german drinking tunes with my eyes closed.

2) Black velvet - Though obviously there are frum people who wear black velvet kippot, the majority of the time such head-wear is found accompanying tight white shirts and even tighter shiny dark pants. Not to mention ridiculously pointy shoes and intensely sleezy eyes. Ahhh shababnikim - you and your arsim ways!

3) Black Velvet With 'Yechei Adonani' Around The Rim - Idolators. No thanx.

4) Giant White Rebbe Nachman - Damn it, I'd totally rule these boys out for being nonsensical except that they make ridiculously good dance music (...errr...that I listen to ironically...).

5) Giant Kippa Sruga -Let me guess, you're 24, have three kids, live in a caravan and sleep with your gun. But if I told you that Rav Kook was my great (great?) uncle you'd have to be impressed.

6) Regular Kippa Sruga - so many patterns and colours and styles and locations on the head. I'm a bit of a fan of the right on the top of the head situation, like nati from srugim. The only issue here is that either you're already married or you won't be until you're 30 and have finished the 7 degrees you seem to need before getting a real job. Nevertheless my heart beats a little bit quicker every time you re-arrange that crocheted circle atop your talmud filled head.

7) The Tiny Sruga - Yeah we get it, you're lost. Your parents don't know what to do with you and all you want is to go to India, smoke pot and 'experiment.'

8) Plain Leather - From a frum fam and has gone to yeshiva but doesn't really care that much. You drink alot, mess around with girls, eat out occasionally and are forgetful of the laws of shabbat. But when you hit your late 20s all you'll want is a 19 year old virginal aidel maidel who makes wicked deli role and wouldn't dream of being anything other than a physio/occupational/music therapist.

9) Printed Leather - American Modox, comes with accompanying basketball shorts and too loud obnoxious accent.

10) The Girls Kippa - Ok I'll admit that I'm not so well versed in these but I'm going to assume that it comes with a matching floral tallit.

11) Shiny White - and I almost forgot the awkwardly perched free kippot worn by estranged cousins to weddings. It's so uncomfortable and adorable. Loves it!

12) Hats - Another soft spot of mine. Straw hats, old man hats, faux-communist military hats. It says - hey babe, wanna hear my haiku based on bava metzia that I remixed with dubstep? *melt*

As such I feel like I've successfully avoided any nuance or depth and managed to fit a large number of people into very rigid boxes based purely on their yarmulke with little concern for the complexities of human self-definition.

Good job Ms.B!

The Secret Life Of Men

It's been a while since we've had a post shabz post. So here's a return to tradition with something out of the ordinary.

On Friday night I was initiated to a secret society. The have a secret language. Secret handshakes. Secret privileges. Most people aren't allowed in. But I got a sneak peak.

OK you got me. It's not so secret. But I was at a dinner where I was the only girl and I feel like I got an intense insight into the male brain.

And to clarify, by male brain we mean early 20s yeshiva student brain. But still... it was interesting.

One of my first discoveries was that contrary to popular opinion boys can cope without meat. These young men chose to have a vegetarian shabbat meal, much to my pleasure. Additionally they cooked the meal themselves and it was no average meal. Mushroom soup, quiche, a million types of cheese and halva and a giant salad with fruit in it. FRUIT! Though the give away that it was a man-meal could be the abundant amounts of beer and whiskey consumed through the course of the evening. Though that was very nice too.

Furthermore the conversation topics were delightful. They discussed what type of weddings they'd like (traditional, naturist, small...etc) and then they discussed torah for abit (obviously from an academic perspective) and then there was a discussion of women as communal leaders (shlichei tzibbur or rabbis). They consistently had adorably open-minded and well considered opinions. When the topic of rape was brought up, one of the gentlemen found the topic so offensive he asked that we discuss something else. What a mentch!

All in all these man-boys liked women b/c they liked humanity and they liked torah b/c they liked learning and truth.

This dinner gave me hope that even though the majority of jewboys are really just bigoted mummies boys there are those who are a beacon of hope in flowing tzitzit for us all.

Amen brother.

Nothing but trouble

Ok I get it.

Secular girls love religious boys. Despite my many many many blog posts complaining about how they r mummies boys, they are closed minded and judgmental dem secular girls just can't resist.

All they want is they want is a boy who is essentially already their father.

Responsible. Reliable.

Concerned about the future. Couldn't possibly cheat on you. Bullied and fussed about by a middle aged woman.

I get that it's nice to see a boy who cares about things. He prays. He has self control. He obviously wants a family and won't be pressuring you into sex any time soon. Heck, he blushes just thinking of holding your hand.

I get it secular girls. But you are wrong.

Dem religious boys are nothing but trouble.

Trouble in a polo shirt, kippa and double knotted laces.

But for those of you who enjoy swooning please see http://gabydunn.com/post/2083903661/jewz

(obvz my fave in ginger jew)

And for an oldie but a goodie feel free to return to http://breakthedrought.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/religious-boys/

Martha Stewart

I have a dirty little secret.

I’m a domestic goddess.

I cook.

I clean.

I bake.

I crochet.

I sew.

Every person who walks into my house must have something to eat. If you don’t I’ll fill a little container with food and insist that you take it with you for the road.

It’s not a healthy situation. I have to hide this addiction. This is because religious boys love a domesticated girl. They want a replacement mother.

But I don’t want to be anybody’s mum. I don’t want to have to deal with the affection of boys who confuse hunger for love. I want somebody to like me for my brain, and then they get pleasantly surprised that they also get sushi salad and banana bread as a bonus.

So if anybody asks I don’t even know what a kitchen is.

Girl Talk has a new album out

Finally! It’s happened!

I fit in!

After 6 weeks of university in a foreign country, I finally feel like I have friends. It took a loooong time because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, law students are snobs, I wasn’t so friendly with them in Australia either, but here there’s a few here or there and now it’s all swell. Additionally, there was the language issue. Even though I can speak Hebrew fine, I’m not really funny or bubbly in Hebrew like I am (or think I am) in English. Also it takes more guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a foreign language. But I’ve done it.

Yay!

Apart from finally having people to hang with and wave to in the corridors, this occurrence has lead to some interesting conversations.

One of them in particular happened today.

So some background; I’m in a beit midrash about 15 hours a week for a scholarship. It’s going pretty well; it has religious people and secular people and boys and girls. It’s a dream.

So today during seder I was at a table of only girls. And for some reason while considering the Talmudic discussion of ‘an eye for an eye’ we began discussing the boys in the program.

It was hilarious.

I felt like I was back in Melbourne in Bnei Akiva or Mizrachi. The girls complained that there’s a heap of boys and girls the right age, background and interests and they just aren’t dating each other. The girls, as per usual, blamed the boys saying they are too shy or cowardly to ask out the girls.

Amazing.

Sleuthing

So how wrong is it exactly to stalk people?

I'm not talking about sitting outside their house with binoculars or tracking their comings and goings but some good old fashioned internet/facebook stalkage?

I ask this b/c there is a boy from uni. Yup, there's always a boy. And he seems pretty awesome, but I don't want this to turn out to be a 'I'm not actually Jewish' situation or a 'I'm married with 7 kids' situation or a 'I'm actually a woman' situation. Therefore I decided to so some homework before seducing him with cookies, smiles and witty repartee.

I've since gotten abit out of control.

Here's a list of things I now know about him.

• His blog
• The name of the band he's in
• His highschool
• His parents’ names
• His parents’ professions
• His siblings’ names
• His siblings’ professions
• The yeshivot he went to
• The unit he served in for the army

This makes it awkward now when we talk at uni b/c he keeps saying things and I have to pretend to not know said information and be interested and ask questions b/c it'd be totally creepy for me to be like.... I know.... now please have my babies.

I think I may need some sort of stalkers anonymous support group to get over this addiction.

If not I may actually end up being one of those crazy people who show up to places pretending not to know he was going to be there just to seduce him. Seehttp://breakthedrought.wordpress.com/2010/06/20/the-beginning/ for more details.

By The Way...

By the way... you should know that I'm religious.

I get the feeling in my life that I need a badge declaring for the world that I'm an orthodox Jewess. I need one because despite the skirts and the sleeves and the necklines people still don't get that I'm religious.

Or even when they ask me and I answer "yes" they reply with "yeah, but you're not really."

By that I assume they mean that I think and talk and dress and think. And THINK. Also that I'm interested in film, music, poetry, fashion and philosophy and apparently religious people just aren't into that stuff.

So why does this bother me so much?

Because I actually understand why people think I'm not religious - sometimes I forget that I'm religious myself.

Additionally, I actually prefer the company of the secular. In particular, secular boys.

This is because they don't look at you with the starving eyes of a man who hasn't touched female flesh since he was 15 when his rabbi bribed him with pizza to make a promise that he will no longer touch girlies or himself. But at the same time religious boys never tell you that you look nice. They never reckon that you are wearing a wicked top or interesting shoes.

Secular boys on the other hand have learnt the art of the compliment.

But wait, there's more...

• Secular boys aren't always trying to evaluate your abilities as a breeder.
• Secular boys aren't scared of the fact that you study law.
• Secular boys aren't afraid that you wear colour.
• Secular boys won't judge you for drinking beer.
• Secular boys are ok with you being left-wing.

But there's also less...

• Secular boys don't get that you can't go out on friday night
• Secular boys don't get that Rambam is a top bloke.
• Secular boys don't get that you're not doing all this because of your family but because you made an informed and active volition to live a religious life.

Shit, now I've ruled out both brands of boys.

Shit.

The Age of Reason

So I've recently been to a couple of outings to the 'swamp/bitza' of Katamon J'lem. There, the natives engage in long and arduous mating rituals that are consistently unsuccessful. Which begs the question - why are these otherwise (mostly) lovely human beings epicly failing at finding a spouse?

This situation is particularly strange when we consider the status of non-religious 30-year-olds. These folks are almost always either married or in steady relationships. So why are their G-d fearing counterparts whiling away their nights alone, cold, in the dark, crying themselves to sleep?

I will tell you.

Shomer Nagia.

You see, religious people fall into two categories relationship-wise. Those that are young and naive and stupid and get married when they are 20 to somebody they've known for 3 hours (kidding... 3 months but same dif) and those that are 30 with 3 degrees, 2 jobs and live in Katamon.

That's it.

Two categories.

Take. Your. Pick.

This is where being Shomer Nagia messes with the situation. Because when you don't touch somebody you have to analyse the situation reasonably and a rationally. You simply can't get swept away with the moment and romance. As such you don't spend your dates holding hands and other appendages rather you ask your suitor responsible questions about their childhood, ideal parenting style and top three rabbis. Accordingly, if you over analyse any person or any relationship without the happy hormones from touching, you're probably going to come to the conclusion that you should run fast before you're trapped in a kitchen surrounded by children (see post on procreation regarding my fear of very young people).

This is however, unless you are young and stupid and naive and therefore willing to tie yourself to another human being and essentially place a significant part of your future wellbeing and happiness in their hands. You would only do that if you don't think about it too much.

The same goes for non-religious folks. They are so high on hot sex that they fail to notice that behind that ripped chest of a greek god is a vacuous self-absorbed mummy's boy. And that's why they manage to get themselves married or into relationships.

Only the religious who do not fall into holy matrimony at the age of gullibility fail to enter coupledom b/c they are simply thinking too much.

But its not their fault. G-d made them do it.

Grrr. G-d.

Texting

So I'm here to brag. About how awesome and competent I am.

Here's the story.

American friend: So I have this guy for you who's really smart and funny and good-looking and religious and lives in Israel. Can I give him your numba?

Me: 4 shiz.

And so Mr.Minty (as he shall be known to you folks) called and organised a date.

He doesn't live in J'lem so I agreed to pick the location for the date. (In case u were wondering I picked Tmol Shilshom)

I was not looking forward to this date at all. I've been on enough set-ups, particularly with Americans, to know that I always get thrown the freaks. The boys who only read puritan 17th century political theory, the boys who won't eat anything that's not white, the boys who will calmly tell you that Arabs are technically not human and the boys that complain about their mum on the first date.

So I went into the date with a begrudging heart.

But I came out with a happy one.

It was a really good date. He genuinely was smart and funny and good looking and religious. And all in the the right ways. By that I mean he was quirky good-looking (ie: a beard) and smart in a people and philosophy way not a nanotechnology way and funny in a sarcasm and irony way and religious in a 'I-practice-orthodoxy-but-I-think-Heresy' kinda way, ie: the best ways.

With him, I sat down with a total stranger and sat in a cafe and discussed religion and politics and philosophy for over 4 hours without looking at my watch or discussing any usual first date topics.

Ridiculous.

Now this was 3 days before Rosh Hashana.

So on the first day after the date I checked my phone about once an hour for the call.

On the second day after the date I checked my phone around meal times for the call.

On the third day after the date (erev chag) I sent him a txt wishing him a shana tova.

He replied with similar wishes. So we know that his phone works.

After the 3 day chag (by which time I was already irritated that he wouldn't have called me on the hour every hour prior to chag to sing my praises) I received a text from Mr.Minty asking me to the Israel Museum on chol hamoed sukkot. Which was a while away, but since he doesn't live in J'lem and we both had exams until then I graciously agreed.

BUT IT WAS JUST A FREAKING TEXT!

CALL ME YOU BASTARD!

But then I hear nothing from him until a txt this saturday night. That's right, 2 weeks of silence. Grr. The txt asked me if I was cool to go to the museum the nxt day. Now I may or may not have had plans (I did indeed) but that is beside the fact. You cannot ask me out on a date for the next day via txt after 2 weeks of silence.

I DESERVE A BLOODY PHONE CALL!

So I told him I was busy (which was true) and ended the txt with "another time?"

To which he replied "well, on the one hand it's hard to commit to something as amorphous as another time but on the other hand it's easy to commit to something as amorphous as another time"

I did not reply to that.

Instead I did the mature thing and called him.

THAT'S RIGHT - I CALLED HIM!

In this phone conversation I presented him with my understanding of the situation which was the following. The he was a nice guy and I'm a nice girl. However, he was texting me b/c he liked me enough to maybe see me if he was already in j'lem and had a lot of spare time, but not enough to call me to talk or to call me to organize a proper date, or even dates at all. Lord knows why he didn't like me enough for that but cest la vie. He also wasn't too keen on calling me to clarify that he didn't really want to go on another proper date with him. He agreed with my conclusion and seemed surprised that 1) I even realised that was what was going on and 2) that I had the guts to tell him that I knew what was going on.

In the end we agreed that nobody was going to be upset if we didn't go on another date. That maybe sometime down the line we may be friends and that communication is a super good idea.

All's well that end well. And hence my bragging. B/c I am the awesome chick who didn't let herself get strung along with texts and half-dates bi-monthly and who was competent enough to call him to let him know that she is too awesome to be strung along.

The lesson from this is the following: If somebody wants you they will call you, they will send carrier pigeons and small slave children with tattoos of love for you across their limbs, they will do anything to get in touch with you.

But if they r stringing you along they'll send you a text.

Moadim L'Simcha!

The Frenchman

There is a new boy in my ulpan class. He's French, but not the French boy whose top is so unbuttoned his nipples go flying. This is a new one who just started this week.

Here's what he's like. Tall. Broad. Big dark eyes. Thick wavy hair. Dresses so so well. Nice jeans and button down shirts and suave sunglasses. He speaks French (duh) English, Hebrew and Spanish. He's left-wing but still religious (like davenning in a minyan multiple times a day religious psht psht). He's funny and smart and we have great chemistry.

It's amazing after all these dates I've been on with all these boys how different it is when you just click with somebody. Then there's none of this "O, I guess I'll give them a second date" or "Yeah, they seemed sweet enough..." but no, when it works you just know.

But there's a catch.

There's always a bloody catch.

He's not Jewish.

His mum is Catholic, his dad is Jewish. He was raised as a secular Jew and has recentlyish been reunited with his Judaism. He's converting.

Which raises a couple of issues.

1) Why would you convert? GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! RUN!!! FLEEE!!!!!

2) What if I get involved with him and he changes his mind?

3) What if I get involved and he becomes haredi/super intense with Judaism b/c of the conversion process?

4) What if the conversion process takes another 5 years?

5)What if he converts and then the haredi rabbanut revokes it?

Anyways, so I'm generally not sure if I want to go out with him now even though he's otherwise supremely awesome.

But if I do want to go out with him how do I make this happen?

I've never ensnared anybody or seduced anybody in my whole life. I have no idea how to make him realise that he's obsessed with me.

My initial idea (please don't judge me too much for this) was to ask to have a chevruta with him. This serves two purposes.

1) I like to learn Torah with interesting people and he seems pretty interesting

2) It'll give him a chance to realise the full extent of my awesomeness and by logical consequence that he's in love with me.

But then I thought that maybe learning Torah with him may intimidate him or make him think I'm too holy to hit on. But I'm not. Hit on me dearest Frenchie!

So now I throw the questions to you folks out there:

1) Do I want to date a person in the process of converting?

2) If I do, how do I make that happen?

He-Man-Woman-Haters Club

Let's talk feminism for a moment folks.

There's been two incidents recently that have given rise to the need to blog on this topic.

The first incident went as such.

I was out with a guy friend of mine and a friend of his. The entire outing the two of them were making sexist jokes. Wait, that's unfair. Sometimes they paused to make racist jokes too. Women, according to these jokes, are stupid, slutty, uncoordinated and generally lesser human beings. When I raised the issue with the boys, they asserted that one can make sexist jokes without actually being sexist. Indeed that the fact that they can makes jokes about women means that women have reached such a level of equality that we can now make fun of them. To which I pointed out that there isn't a category of white middle-class man jokes. Probz b/c they are the ones making the sexist racist jokes.

The second incident occurred today.

I was sitting on the lawn during a break at ulpan. I was chilling with a bunch of religious boys reading some 'ben ish chai' (I'm know I'm way too frum for my own good). Somehow a discussion about marriage begins.

For the purpose of this conversation M is me and SAH is Sexist Ass-Hole.

SAH - If two people want to be married you can be married to anybody at all. If you get divorced that just means that you didn't want to be married enough. It has nothing to do with the actual person that you are married to.

M - No way. I reckon that there are some fundamental things that I could not have in a spouse.

SAH - Such as?

M - Well, if he wasn't shomer mitzvot I think it would make it very difficult to be married to him.

SAH - Ok, fine then. But within the religious world you could marry anybody and make it work.

M - I still disagree. What if he refused to ever wash a dish or cook a meal? There's no way I could be married to a person like that.

SAH - Well then obviously you are going to get divorced because u don't understand marriage at all. Your entire role in the marriage is to cook and clean.

M - And what's a man's role?

SAH - My role is to put on teffilin, your role is to cook.

M - *look of aghast despair*

SAH - Well, I suppose if you were 8 months pregnant and couldn't get out of bed then I wouldn't make you cook me dinner. But otherwise a marriage won't work unless each person fulfills their role.

At that, the break was finished and I returned to class with continued aghast despair.

In class, another religious boy who'd overheard the conversation saw that I was still quite perturbed by the conversation and tried to explain to me that it's because the boy was orthodox that he was sexist. Because orthodoxy is inherently incompatible with feminism.

End of Story.

Beginning of rant.

OMG WTF!!!!

We weren't even talking about women layning from the torah and being rabbis (both of which I think are fine btw). We are talking about the division of labour within the household. Who the fuck are you to tell me or any couple how their marriage should work? If in one marriage the man cooks or in another the woman does, or they share it, what the hell is wrong with that? And who are you mr.20-something-singleton to be the authority on a functional marriage?

What makes me most angry about this, is that the boys hid behind their religion to support their bigotry. Well you know what? It's my religion too! And my G-d and my Torah doesn't obligate me to get married. No, b/c halachically that obligation is on the man. So too the Torah doesn't require that I have children rather the obligation is on the man. Oh and guess what - the same goes for the education of children. That too is the responsibility of the husband. So if we want to talk about halachically who is responsible for the home - oh that's right it's the man! But I'd never tell a man off for not personally looking after his kids b/c you know what? It's their fucking prerogative and I have no say in how they should live their lives or run their homes. So don't fucking tell me what I should and shouldn't do in the name of G-d. B/c I've read the sources, I know my stuff and there ain't nothing wrong with my husband and I both doing the cooking.

The biggest issue I have with these two stories is the lack of recognition of women's shared humanity with men. Boys/men frequently are so focused on the differences between men and women that they forget the commonalities. They forget that we both have brains that need stimulation. That we both want to contribute to the world and have a sense of purpose. That we all need to be part of society with friendships and individual identities.

The saddest part of these stories though, is the impact it will have on these boys lives. Because they will never really love a woman. They will love the way she makes them feel or the things she does for them but they will never understand her separate to her function to a man as a help-meet. They will never recognize her intelligence, her kindness, her wit and joy and compassion. They will never have a life-partner, somebody to navigate the world with and build a home together. Instead they will have a half-person who exists only as a vessel by which the boy can achieve. They will never really love and for that I feel sorry for them.

And thus ends my rant.

Not on a note of anger but in an exhale of pity.

Cradle-Snatching

So who wants to hear about my recent dating escapades?

Well, you gotta give the people what they want.

This story begins 2 weeks ago on Shabbat. I went to a seuda shlishit in Nachlaot, hosted by an almost-30-yr-old-singleton. There I met Josh.

"So what do you do?" asks I

"Oh, I'm an accountant" the suitor replies.

"Wow, you must be rolling in it. Israeli accountants are loaded apaz" was my clearly inappropriate response. Am such an idiot.

But it seems that he was smitten with my adorable gall and chutzpah and therefore after shabbat he tracked myself and my number down. He then called me and asked me out. I politely accepted and hoped he didn't think it was b/c I was a gold-digger.

We went on a first date the following Saturday night. We had iced drinks (waaaaaay too hot to even mention the word coffee, just typing it makes me sweat) and then we went for a walk in the park. And yes, we did the whole sitting on a park bench with like a meter in between us to avoid any chance of any body parts grazing each other. B/c we all know that should that happen (chas v'challila) I immediately will become pregnant and will lose my place in Olam Habah.

So here's the vital statistics on Josh.

Original location: New York

Yeshiva: Mevasseret Zion

College: YU

Occupation: as previously mentioned - Accountant.

Now how old was this suitor? 29.

Yes, 29.

Yup, that's totally like only a few months away from 30.

Like 8 years older than me. Like almost born in the 70s. Like remembers a time before microwaves and the internet. Like may actually be interested in the spam emails offering cheap blue pills.

Anyways so I very quickly discovered that he probably wasn't so well suited for me. But I still went on a second date with him b/c I couldn't really find a reason other than HE'S SUPER BORING!

The second date was set for 8pm. Is this a dinner time? I had no idea. I called a bajillion people and the consensus was it was a dinner date. So I didn't eat lunch.

Wrong.

While starving and walking in another park I got to discover that this young(ish) man has been frum all his life, he never breaks the rules, he doesn't like music or film or books or torah or thinking. He likes basketball and sleeping. Fascinating stuff. Oh and he just loves talking like Woody Allen. But he doesn't realise he's doing this yet. Gosh, nervous over-analyzing New Yorkers are much more amusing on film.

The end of the date came around and he asked if he could call me the next day. At which point I very sensitively explained to him that I don't keep rules and that I like alot of stuff and that I like talking about it. Oh and I'm a left-wing-frum-feminist-tree-hugging-heretical-hippy.

To which he agreed with me that we might not be so suited for each other and that it'd be best if we didn't continue seeing each other and went on his merry way.

The same day two things happened

1) Some other boy changed his mind and decided that he doesn't want to go out with me b/c I haven't made aliya (this is actually ok with me, u'll hear the story behind this another time)

2) I got offered another date with another American. So we'll see how this one goes.

Am having another Jlem shabbat - should be fun!

Shabbat shalom

First Dates

Recently I've been on a few first dates. They are the single biggest waste of time in my life other than Boston Legal of late.

Appropriate topics of conversation include:

- The weather

- What your native community is like

- The difference between Australia and "insert nationality here"

- The difference between Western countries & Israel

- Any mainstream hobbies you practice

- The weather

Taboo topics include:

- Politics

- Religion

- Marriage

- Family dysfunction

- Person quirks/idiosyncrasies

- Sex

- Anything which may actually help you determine whether or not you would like to go on a second date with this person let alone spend the rest of your life with them.

Boys of Jerusalem: Yes, I agree it is freaking hot. No, it's not possible to live in this heat. Yes, I feel very sorry for you that you don't have air conditioning. Wow, isn't it fascinating that your community had x number of Jewish day schools. Yeah, isn't it hilarious that I say 'footpath' instead of 'sidewalk'. Just. Freaking. Hilarious. You play basketball? Wow. Yeah, it is weird that milk comes in plastic bags here. And yes, I'm still aware that its very hot in Jerusalem but baruch hashem we don't live in Tel Aviv with the humidity and the sinners.

Young men of the holy city take note: I could have flowing conversation with a tree. Just because I'm smiling and nodding does not mean that I'm actually listening to what you have to say. Because you are saying exactly what the young man before you said - That is: nothing of any importance.

I am hoping that second dates will turn out to be more useful. By that I mean that I intend to drop the 'oh did I mention that I'm a left-wing-frum-feminist-tree-hugging-heretical-hippy' bombshell.

Wish me luck.

Dealbreakers

So last night I went on a date with a boy. He was a friend of a friend and apaz we were meant to be great together. Accordingly, after some fb chattage we arranged to go out for dinner.

It was an epic fail.

But before we get there, I'll let you know the good things about him.

1. He was dressed very well. Tie, shirt, vest, old man hat, the whole eccentric youth thing going on. This is a rare trait in Israel and a severely under-valued one.

2. He's a feminist. His favorite t-shirt says 'real men marry rabbis' and was suitably crushed when I told him that had I not been an orthodox girl I defs would have gone for smicha.

3. He's super smart and into politics, Judaism and philosophy. Tick, Tick, Tick.

So why was the date an epic fail?

He just possessed too many dealbreakers.

Specifically two things

1. He's super ridiculously right-wing both re:Israeli politics and general politics. Like, he makes Tony Abbott look like a pot smoking tree hugging lesbian. Ew Tony Abbott.

2. He wants to live in Israel his whole life but he won't make Aliya because he doesn't want to go to the army. Why not? This is a direct quote: "I'm a coward." Oh and he doesn't trust the army ever since Gush Katif. Loh Sababa. WTF! You can't want all the Arabs to die and be expelled from their homes but not be willing to put on khaki and do it yourself. You can't live here your whole life in safety and security without doing anything to protect yourself or your family.

Which brings me to a more fun game of 'sababa v'hakol' which mean's everything is ok with this person (ie: they could be the love of your life) except for this one thing. Could you deal with this one thing?

So here are things I could deal with if the guy was sababa v'hakol except for this one thing.

• He only wears orange velvet
• He has a girls name like Nancy or Tracy
• He has a theme song that he sings to himself while alone
• He refers to himself in the third person
• His favorite food is oxtail.

See - I'm open minded. I'm not picky.

Except for these small tiny things.

• Must be Jewish
• Must be orthodox
• Must have gone to yeshiva/will go to yeshiva
• Must be into flexible halacha/politics/film/music
• Must be taller than me (but seriously I'm 5 ft)
• Must be smart
• Must be funny
• Must be willing to live in Israel
• Must be not be too right-wing
• Must realise that women are people too
• Must not have tiny hands/feet/ears
• Must not have a high pitched voice
• Must not have a super annoying laugh

Basically I would like a hilarious individual who has tchelet tzitit coming out of his super skinny jeans while riding his bike through the streets of j'lem listening to alternating podcasts from Vampire Weekend and Yeshayahu Leibowitz.

At the risk of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw - Is that too much to ask?