Housemates from Hell

Dearest darling blog followers, the time has come for me to share something very deep and dark about my living arrangements from this past year. Many of you know my roommate. She is adorable and funny and even shorter than me. However, those of you who have not have the privilege of visiting my humble abode have not met my other housemate. I have not blogged about her all year. However, last night she vacated the property (and the country) and so I feel that I can now tell the tale.

She was, to put it succinctly, the housemate from hell. Never in your whole lives have you met anybody as filthy, dirty, selfish, inconsiderate and offensive.

In our very first conversation she told me how disgusting she thought gay people were and how they make her want to throw up. She then proceeded to tell me that all she really wants to do it get married to somebody very very rich. In fact, most times that she met boys, she would inquire into their financial status to see if they were suitable sugar daddies. This wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so very vocal about her homophobia and racism and love of patriarchy all the time. For the whole year though, I just smiled and nodded and changed the subject.

She was also probably the most filthy and messy person I've ever lived with. She once left a pot of porridge on the stove for a week. She cleaned her toilet once the entire year (only after she had projectile diarrhea) and had mountains up to my hip of rotting used tampons and pads. She dropped glasses of wine in the kitchen and left the wine and the broken shards of glass all over the floor and counter top. She just went to bed and didn't leave a note to warn us in the morning that maybe we shouldn't walk around barefooted in the kitchen. She once dropped an entire kilo of sugar on the floor and left it scattered and crunching under our feet for 2 days. She left so much half-eaten food around her room that she acquired a mouse infestation. Luckily she was on the third floor and the mice stayed in her room. But still. GROSS. Requests for her to clean even public spaces (like the wine and sugar coated kitchen) were consistently ignored, leaving myself and my other housemate and even our friends to clean up after her dinner from sometimes up to a week previous.

Of our 12 wine glasses she broke 6 as well as various mugs and cups. She went through a stage where she lost her key on a weekly basis. She never paid a bill and it got to the stage where she owed us over 1,000NIS in unpaid utilities.

She had obnoxious friends who would have very loud screaming matches at any hour of the day or night and would leave their dirty g-strings on the coffee table. Or would make out (and then some) in our living room. This made for many awkward breakfasts.

She would have very loud conversations on skype with her father about how she smoked all this pot and didn't get high. Or about how much she has or has not pooped today. Or about how many women he has fucked. No, but seriously.

Luckily, however, she has left. She is taking a sabbatical from studying art 2 days a week. And after a year of not saying anything and of being polite and considerate and of smiling and of saying 'ok' I let it rip on her. I told her that she was obnoxious and inconsiderate and selfish and filthy and that she could not leave the apartment without removing the piles of half-eaten food and rotting tampons from the room. It felt good and bad.

It felt good because she caused me a lot of strife over the year and I needed to let her know that. It felt bad though because I yelled at her and I feel that she brought me down to her level.

Also, more than anything I feel sorry for her. Her parents sent her away from home when she was 14. She was sent away from America to Kfar Chabad and then Tzfat and then Lod and various other girls high schools in a foreign country. She hasn't lived in a home for 5 years. She lived in dormitories with strange girls with no parental attention. Ultimately she doesn't know how to live with people. She didn't make friends with the girls at school and she moved schools year after year.

If I could do it again, would I behave differently? I'm not sure. Given her authority issues I don't think constantly coming into conflict with her over her hygiene or social habits would have helped the situation at all. Would I take back the chastisement I gave her just before she left? Probably not, because without it I would have been left to clean up the mess. But it would be great to know how to deal with situations like this better in the future.

I didn't blog about her all year because it's not nice to write these things and complain about people and let the whole world know their dirty laundry. Also I didn't want to be a complainer. But ultimately if this blog is a record of my life in Jerusalem and she was unfortunately a largish part of that life and by far the most negative element of it then this blog wouldn't be complete without a post about her.

Now let us never mention this matter again.

Mikveh

Today was a beautiful day in Zion.

I woke up late (10 am, a full 3.5 hours later than my normal Sunday morning wake up). The sky was clear and the sun was shining. We made french toast with leftover challah then went to the shuk for coffee. After that it was off to a mikva round table at the shatil offices. The meeting involved various organisations working with mikvaot around Israel. Specifically; dealing with the mikva workers rights and consumers rights.

I learnt many interesting things at this meeting. For example that women who work in these mikvaot (balanit - single, balaniot - plural) have no training and get paid minimum wage. They have no days off because mikvaot need to be open every day of the year (except for tisha b'av and yom kippur) and because they only work at night even if they work 5 hours every day of the week they are defined as part time workers and don't get full pension and healthcare benefits. The majority of the women are sephardi, come from very low socio-economic backgrounds, have low levels of education, have many children and are generally the sole providers for their large families. They provide for their households via this work. Furthermore these women are not unionised and do not have a representative on the council's religious matters board. Indeed when they sought help from rabbis for their working conditions they were told to leave the issue be because their reward will be in the world to come.

We also discussed religious coercion in the mikvaot. All Jewish women getting married in Israel have to visit the mikva before they are permitted to marry in this country. This means that no matter if you have blue hair, a million piercing and tattoos, eat bacon and eggs for breakfast and have already 3 children outside of marriage, if you want to get married in Israel you have to go the mikva. This is problematic enough. But there are lots of different ways to go to the mikva. There are different laws and practices regarding the preparation process. What if you would like to keep one practice but the balanit would prefer if you observed another? What if you'd prefer that she doesn't cut your nails for you? Or insist that you shave your legs? Or file away the callouses on your feet? Perhaps you'd prefer her to not watch you while you are naked at all? These are all legitimate concerns affecting many brides in Israel. How can we maintain their right to autonomy within this system where religion and state are still not separated? For one woman's experience see this.

Ultimately it was a really fascinating meeting with many of the movers and shakers of the feminist religious world (ie: Chaviva Ner-David). Yay!

After that, I was off to teach a class for a gap year program here, then to a shiur and then a reunion with my friends from sem. JOY!

Other than that the rest of this week will be spent at the Shalem Conference. Yes, you fellow pretentious pseudo-intellectual yidden, you may commence dying of jealousy now. Limmud-Oz eat my dirt.

With that, shavua tov, Little Miss.B

Coming Home

Look I'm not going to pretend to be overjoyed about returning to Melbourne. I really enjoy living in the middle east where rights and civil liberties are still being developed. It's fun to be in the thick of it.

But since I have to return anyways I may as well make the most of it. And so, I bring to you all a list of what I am looking forward to down under.

1) Driving. Granted I could do this anywhere but only in Melbourne do I have a car. No more hours spent on buses with babies crying and lechery old men. Or young men. Or very aggressive lesbians. Look, I love the masses but I'd prefer to not be stuck in a giant metal moving box with them sweating and farting. Furthermore, despite all aspersions cast on my driving due to the absence of a y chromosome, I can reverse parallel park like a pro (in front of Glicks on a Friday) and replace a fan belt with a pair of stockings. Impressed? You should be.

2) Coffee. Obviously we all know that Sydney got the Lebanese while we got the Italians. Hence we got coffee and they got kebabs. I'd say we got the better deal. I miss not having to ask for my coffee to be warmed up. Or having to return it for being burnt. Or for having too much milk. Or for my latte coming in a giant mug. Or having to ask for water with my coffee. You may call me a snob but I'll just roll my eyes, pointed exhale at the plebeians and search for my next caffeine fix.

3) The beach. I know that it's more of a bay and that its full of pollution and 3 eyed fish but after living in a landlocked city you come to appreciate having a large body of water at your doorstep. It's so relaxing. Besides it's a prime talent (read: boy) scouting location.

4) Culture. I know Jerusalem is trying. But they have bigger fish to fry than encouraging bands and poets to be creative on it's streets. I miss the million live shows on every night of the week. I miss the film festivals. And the street markets and the slam poetry. It's lovely that there's almost a handful of tolerable bars or restaurants in Jlem but sometimes a girl would like a few more options.

5) Bagels. They just don't get it. A bagel is not a bread roll with a hole in the middle. It has to be boiled and sold to you by a tiny eastern European man on a Sunday morning. Otherwise it simply will not do.

6) Sundays. Seriously. Just think how much happier the middle east would be if they had Sundays off. They would probably stop blowing stuff up even. Woah. If you'll allow me to kvetch for a moment I'd like to let y'all know that for the past while I've been at university from 7.30am till 8pm every Sunday. Think about what you were doing on Sundays. Reading the paper. Going for a bike ride. Eating a bagel. All the while I was in a class in a foreign language being lectured about divorces and other miserable things. It was enough to make me want to blow stuff up too.

7) Fashion. Sometimes it's too overwhelming to even contemplate. Other times it's hilarious enough to photograph. Curly mullets? Stone washed denim? Leg warmers? Jeggings! I know Melbourne sometimes is a little bit too in love with black. But I'll happily take that over socks and sandals any day. Unless they are ironic hipster socks and sandals that is.

8) Offices open at regular hours. The bank. The post office. The doctors office. Why are you only open every second Thursday from 10-12 and then from 3.30 till 5 if the moon is waxing but not if it's erev chag! When am I meant to get shit done if you're never open???

9) Saturday newspapers. I miss you Danny Katz! And "The two of us" section has been missing from my life for too long now. Not to mention some quality Friday night AJN.

10) I suppose maybe kinda sorta a bit my family and friends. But only just a little.

Degrassi

You may be asking yourself what ever happened to the kids of the cult classic Degrassi. In this show we learnt about the difficulties of being a teenager in the late 80s. The hair. The shoulder pads. The sex. The drugs. Thank you ABC after school programming for my education.

Coincidentally this post has nothing to do with the dead-end careers of the Degrassi cast. Instead, when I google image searched 'feminist' this came up. And I was feeling nostalgic....

I would also like to apologise for being a bad blogger recently. I was all up in your collective grill about your foreskins and then I left you high and dry. But the truth is that there is very little in my life that is bloggable at present. You see I'm in the middle of exams, dear friends. Last week it was Halachic Thought. This week, divorce agreements and Mishpat Ivri/Hebrew Law (not sure how to explain that one...) and next week I have Legal Systems of the Middle East. Amusingly, I got up super early to get to campus in time for my exam today only to discover that the exam is actually tomorrow. What an idiot.

As such I've been spending most of my days in front of my laptop trying to avoid the lure of Mormon blogs and attempting to study. I'm also still volunteering at CWJ and today I start teaching Jewish studies for a gap year program twice a week. But other than that my life is exceedingly dull.

Though I do have two things to share with you all. Last week I saw "Footnote" - the new Israeli film that won best script in Cannes this year. It's about the tensions in a father/son relationship where they are both professors in the Talmud department of Hebrew University. For those of you who enjoy quality cinema with a hint of ancient texts I strongly recommend it.

Furthermore I spent shabbat with a friend of mine from my beit midrash in Shoham. It's an incredible suburb/town. Giant huge houses with backyards and nice landscaping. Not to mention lovely people. Also strongly recommended.

And with that I will return to my dull life of studying. Ho Hum.

Pro-Intacters

So I came to the realisation a couple of years ago, when I was first being exposed to existentialism at the same time as human rights, that I'm very very uncomfortable with circumcision.

Let me explain.

Firstly from a human rights perspective.

Every person has a right to bodily autonomy. Whether they are old or young or disabled, male or female. Nobody has the right to touch me on public transport and if you are a doctor you need my informed consent before treating me.

And just because you are somebody’s parent doesn’t let you override this right. And just because the person is a minor doesn’t mean they don’t have this right. Rather we have to defend this right even more so because you know what? That’s what human rights are here for. To defend those who can’t stand up for themselves (figuratively and literally). Indeed your role as a parent is to protect your child, to provide for them and to enable them to grow into well balanced and productive members of society. Cutting your baby does not fit into that role.

Some people argue that this procedure has medical benefits. Firstly, it’s very unclear that this is the case. It’s claimed that it prevents HIV infection. But do you know what works even better? Condoms. And guess what? You don’t have to cut yourself to use those. But even if it has medical benefits, that still doesn’t give you the right to circumcise your baby because you wouldn’t pre-emptively remove your baby’s appendix, or their tonsils. Because it’s not necessary surgery, and as a parent you should be protecting your child from being cut as much as is possible. The same goes for suggesting that it prevents other infections in the region. Teach your kid to wash and you should be fine. You don’t pull out their teeth just because they might have tooth decay. Instead you buy your kid a bloody toothbrush. Duh.

Others claim that whether or not it has medical benefits, it’s such a minor procedure that it could be likened to ear piercing and therefore we should allow it. At what point is it ok for you to pierce your baby’s ears? Or to give them tattoos? Or create decorative scarring? Sorry, that’s even less ok because then it’s completely purposeless mutilation of your baby. The same goes for arguing that a circumcised penis looks better than an intact one. Firstly, the human body is beautiful just the way it is. Secondly aesthetics do not override the right to bodily autonomy.

Existentialism.

But more from an existentialist perspective circumcision bothers me. Obviously, every decision you make for your child is going to imprint an identity upon them. But ultimately as a parent I think your role is to be the enabler of identity not the creator. Therefore as much as possible you should enable your child to make decisions for themselves and deal with the consequences themselves. Clearly this has to be done with common sense and there’s a spectrum of involvement and guidance that every parent has to find for themselves (like I would know, with my 17 children and all...). But I think that circumcision is a pretty big decision, the type that a person should choose for themselves. Yes, it’s going to be more difficult when they are older. But at least then it’s something they chose and not something that was forced upon them. At least this way they are the creators of their own identity.

However.

I’m an Orthodox Jewess. Which means my sons (should I have children) will be circumcised.

Up until now I’ve simply lived with this contradiction as I do with much of my Jewish identity. Call it ontological dualism, call it cognitive dissonance, call it what you will but I was dealing with it.

Mainly I dealt with it via the theology of Yeshayahu Leibowitz and Protestant thinkers influencing orthodoxy (ahem Soloveichik). That is to say that I submit my will to God and just like Abraham was willing to kill his only son if that was the will of God, I suppose I could cope with merely cutting off their foreskin to do the same.

But it wasn’t a comfortable situation to live with.

I frequently think back to Rabbi Akiva in mishna tanchuma (tazria 5) where he explains to a Roman that just like we remove the chaff from the wheat so too Jews circumcise their sons. It reminds us that God did not create a complete world. But rather that we are partners in creation and that circumcision is a way for us to remind ourselves of our responsibility to tikkun olam (though maybe now stopping this practice could be our contribution to Tikkun olam...)

More recently however, over Shavuot, we were discussing this issue over cheesecake and a young man said that it’s only such a touchy issue because it’s on the penis and the western world is totally phallocentric. Ok – so he didn’t say phallocentric, coz he’s not a pretentious twat like me but that was the gist of it. This reminded me of a lecture I heard by Daniel Boyarin recently (the writer of carnal Israel). In his book he argues that the Jewish understanding of masculinity is totally different to that of the greek/roman/western version. Jewish masculinity isn’t all about physical strength and dominance, rather it’s more passive, more sensitive. To be honest, I’m not entirely convinced of this, and it’s not really possible to say that Hazal have one view on gender, but he certainly makes a very good argument for it.

In light of this I would like to suggest that circumcision serves this role as well. Reminding men that their penis’ are not the centre of the world. Indeed that they are also very vulnerable and sensitive organs. Furthermore, that your physical strength isn’t a free pass to conquer and dominate. Indeed boys who’ve entered the Israeli army know (allegedly) that being circumcised limits your ability to be the perfect soldier and that you can only achieve a maximum score of 97 out of 100. This way God reminds you that you are under his will and that you are actually required to protect the weak, the orphans and the widows. From this perspective circumcision can serve a really beautiful role for our community and ourselves. Coz you know what - it’s not all about your dick.

Now, I still don’t really have an opinion on whether or not I support circumcision. What I do know is that we need to be talking about this more. That I think if it’s an informed decision made by parents or individuals for themselves that then I’m more comfortable with it.

With that – Shabbat shalom.

Jerusalem Food Porn

Since my abandonment of Zion is imminent I have decided to record some recommendations for epicureans while I still remember where the shit is at.

Food.

1) Indian by the shuk.

It's on I think "HaEshkol" - in any case it's the only street that runs off the open part of the shuk. For just over 30 shek you can share a massive plate of rice, daal, curries and chutneys. They also make a killer Lassie.

2) Moussline

French ice creamery next to the Indian place. Feel like Chai Masala ice cream? or maybe Arak and Melon? Safran perhaps? Nah - definitely basil ice cream please!

3) Ima

Kubeh bar in the shuk. The guy who owns the place always come n has a seat with us and asks about our day. Occasionally I even got free stuffed vine leaves - but that's coz the waiter wanted my number (and a little something else). Their beetroot kubeh is highly recommended - but not for vegetarians. Soz babez.

4) Pasta basta

Ok it's also in the shuk - I'm lazy - wat's it to ya? But here you can get 4 cheese fettuccine for 25 shek. That's right - 4 different types of cheese on your pasta. You may commence drooling now.

5) Fishen Chips.

The fish n chips place in.... the shuk. They lose points for the silly spelling of their shop. But they win points for having stuffed beer battered deep fried capsicums covered in cheese. Omigosh. Then again you could deep fry n cheese coat a chair n it would taste amazing.

6) Topalino

On Agripas by the open shuk. Best Italian food outside of Italy. And having been to Italy (twice!) I'd say its pretty stiff competition even for the native food. It's a bit pricey but it's worth it for beetroot gnocchi with spinach, cream and garlic sauce. or even better chestnut gnocchi with amaretto, pistachio and cream sauce. mmmmm... cream....

7)Health Kitchen

On "agas' street in the shuk. Vegetarian goodness. They make a mean gastpacho.

8) Sushiya

Hidden sushi place on Bezalel behind Nocterno. Truth is - it's not as good as Japanika but it's a lot closer to home. And they make super good sushi with tempura sweet potato and rice-bubble coating.

9) Tmol Shilshom

Who can resist a restaurant in a second hand book store in the 2nd oldest neighborhood outside of the old city? recommended: their pear and riccota ravioli with balsamic dressing.

10) Chummous on Ben Sira

OMIGOSH. This place had a line out the front of it even time I walked past but it didn't have a teudat kashrut until.... now! So it has become an obligatory late night stop on Thursday nights (the Saturday night of the middle east). Never have you had chummous like this. So so creamy. The cauliflower one is the best. or mushroom. Or onion. om nom nom.

Drinkies.

1) Slow Moshe

On Nissim Bechar in Nachlaot. Israelis call is "slow", Anglos call it "slow mo". That's how you can tell us apart. Oh and our refusal to wear socks n sandals and that we can wait in a line and that we don't elbow old ladies in the nose to get on a bus. But back to the bar. It's cute and small and local. Good dim lighting.

2) May 5th.

In the shuk. Killer joint. Cafe by day. Hipster heaven by night. Cherry beer, dupstep and live bands so we can dance down the streets of the shuk. My favorite (also super close to home)

3) Uganda

Palestinian beer on tap - check. Post-rock being played by an obscure German 2 piece - check. Cue the entrance of a million pretentious wankers with asymmetrical haircuts n fake glasses. Just my type of place.

4) Sira

On Ben Sira (conveniently located near the chummous place...) Best DJs here. And if they are playing 70s funk/soul they are fully dedicated and wouldn't dream of stepping up to the decks without side burns an afro and bell bottoms.

5) HaTaklit

Look, it's more of an indie club than a bar but I like the decor of the place n if I ever feel like mixed dancing again, u know where u'll find me.

And there u have it - 10 restaurants and 5 bars. You can tell I'm Jewish right?

The Attraction of Lesbians

So I was checking my blog stats the other day n discovered a really interesting thing. The most popular post of mine is my Girl Crushing one. Look, I'll admit it's relatively interesting but more interesting than Frenchies? Or the Perfect Man?

It doesn't take a Gender and Sexuality major to work out what's going on here. People are googling Jewish Lesbians and are getting directed to my blog. Must be very disappointing for them. nevertheless I'm going to exploit this discovery to elicit more followers via google. Hence the Lesbians in my title. Who know's maybe they'll give up their search for girl on girl action and chose to read about modern orthodoxy and mormons instead? Likely I say. Very Likely.

In other news on Tuesday night I went to the messibat siyum for my beit midrash for massechet chagiga. Fun times. I gave my shiur on korbanot in the future in the holy language (no, not yiddish). It went well I'd say, particularly since none of the scary PhDs or Rabbis came, only my comrades who are not too intimidating. Other than the event was very impressive. We saw a short film starring one of the rabbis about the relationship between Elisha ben Abuya and R'Meir. It's a terrible film - but adorable nonetheless. We saw somebody do an interpretive dance of the massechet. I kid you not. It would have been more impressive had his fly not been open. Awkies. One of the students is a composer and she composed an incredible classic music piece to the massechet. It was very possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever heard - the arguments and questions and stories of the gemara being played out on a piano. All in all - it was wonderful and happy and fun.

Yesterday was Yom Yerushalayim. I went to Tel Aviv. Now you may think this was a political statement and it was a little bit. But mainly I simply don't have Sundays and Fridays are spent cooking n cleaning so when I had a real day off I didn't want to spend it in Jlem. I wanted the beach. And so the beach I got. We went to the beach by Yafo and then to the old train stationfor a wander. Only to discover that Yom Yerushalayim is the day that arsim and frechot get married. It was teeming with overweight, drag queen make-uped, fake tanned, glittery dressed brides having their photos taken. It was both entertaining and nauseating. Then it was off to Dizingoff for the best shwarma in the land. It's right below the fountain. They only bake the laffa once you order and the meat (yes - I ate meat, but it was worth it) is not from a stick, instead its grilled in front of you once you order. And it's only 25 shek (though this time last year it was only 22 shek). Also the shwarma man is nice n friendly n not all sleazy/rude. Basically it's strongly recommended.

This shabz I'm having past sherut girls over and we're having a picnic in the park with my university friends. Yayness!

With that, sabbatical salutations O loyal followers.