Halachic Cowardice

So I'm wearing jeans right now.

They are tight, skinny, hot jeans.

What a slut.

The only thing is that I'm at home alone. Nobody can see me. Just like nobody has seen me in jeans for at least 4 years now.

That's because I'm a skirt wearer. That special breed of orthodox girl who bent over for patriarchy and wears a tube of fabric around her legs to remind the world that she's not a man.

Look, I know that I can wear pants. I know that there's no source requiring me to wear skirts. I could even wear my ass-tight jeans and it wouldn't be a problem b/c none of the sources even talk about tightness of clothing. All they talk about it skin that needs to be covered. Not how it needs to be covered.

But alas, I am a halachic coward. Orthodox girls wear skirts and so I wear skirts. I wouldn't want to rock to boat.

Sadly this applies in other areas as well.

I learnt how to laiyn, but I never have in public.

I reckon I'd make an ok Rabbi, but I have no intention of going for smicha.

I only eat cheese that's on the kosher list.

I won't eat in a vegan restaurant without a hechsher.

Basically I'm a total wimp and coward. Even though I know that all these things are ok halachically I still don't do them.

What a wuss.

So it turns out you can go home...

I visited my home town of Melbourne for the past little bit and it was a delightful trip.

I really enjoyed taking a holiday in the city of my youth b/c I already knew where all the cool places were to hang out and I have a thing for nostalgia. Heck, I was nostalgic for Australia ever before I'd left.

I flew via Amman, Jordan and Doha, Qatar on Qatar Airways. Really good airline and this route was about $1,000 cheaper than El Al. It was concerning however seeing so many women in niqabs and burkas. Like, it's one thing to see pictures, it's another thing to be sitting next to them. Furthermore there were toddlers in hijabs. Like, toddlers, who could not construct sentences or control their bowels were dressed in hijabs. Concerning to say the least. Amusingly, there was one woman in a niqab who had the back of her dress tucked up into her undies by accident so the whole back of her legs were showing - but her face wasn't. Hilarious and strange.

Basically, immediately after I landed we went straight into wedding madness. We had the hens night at my place. In honour of this I baked (with some accomplices) many sex cookies of penises and vaginas and boobs - yay! Funsies! The hens night was fun, we went to a burlesque show and then went skinny dipping. The bride's sister then proceeded to attempt to hail a taxi in nothing but pearls, a fur collar and heels. We eventually persuaded her to put on a mini-skirt and not get arrested for public indecency. All in all, a wonderful night.

We also had an oneg shabbat and the shabbat kallah lunch at my place. It was lovely catching up with all my old friends and the bridesmaids lunch was also fun.

Saturday night I did not do much except help the bride decorate her chuppah. It was actually a really delightful thing to do, a little bit emotional even. Nah, not really.

Sunday was the big day. We had early morning make-up and hair to be done, which was actually super fun in a kinda misogynistic sort of way. It then came to light that I was a massive douchebag/asshole/fuckwit who was wearing a black dress while everybody else was wearing very very blue dresses.

It was NAVY I tell you! NAVY!!!!!

Anyways, so yeah, I ruined the bridal party and ruined the wedding and probably ruined their marriage as well.

What an asshole.

But moving right along, the wedding was at a beautiful homestead past the airport (meaning like an hour away from the ghetto). The weather picked right up and it became a beautiful sunny summer afternoon. The chuppah was very nice and so was the rabbi (I may have a slight crush on him and his liberal orthodox tendencies).

We then had photos and nibbles and a wonderful dance bracket. The band were awesome. They were a gypsy band who also happen to sound a bit klezmer. It was really great fun. Also a point of pride for me is that I danced all through every single dance bracket and did not take off my heels at all. Sorry, feet. I couldn't even tell you what we ate b/c I didn't pay any attention to it but the croque en bouche instead of the wedding cake was a delicious idea.

The wedding started at 3pm and ended at about 10pm, which is a very reasonable time to end on a Sunday night.

A final note on the wedding was that it only had about 140 guests (including children). Very reasonable if you ask me.

Apart from that, the following week was made up of sheva brachot, movie seeings, beach outings, shopping expeditions and lots and lots of coffee catchups. Ahhh, Melbourne coffee, mmmmm.

The following shabbat we had 20 people over for friday night sheva brachot (which was better than the predicted 27 attendees). There was another sheva brachot the following afternoon, which brilliant because all the kids I used to lead were there and made me really miss youth movements. And youth in general.

Saturday night I spent watching srugim with my mum. Nati is such an asshole and yifat is sooooooo nebbish. Google it.

Sunday, I went with to the Camberwell markets with my friend from Baltimore who's in Oz on exchange and then out to coffee with the bride and my best friend (to clarify, that's one person) to our favorite coffee place in St.Kilda. Ironically, it's called "Lost For Words."

Then a hop, skip and a jump onto a plane for 2 days worth of flying to mess up your system so that today, Friday, many days after I landed, I am still jet-lagged. Shlash, recovering from the lack of sleep that I endured in the name of being social in Melbourne.

Last night I bailed on an engagement l'chayim to sleep but it's ok because I have another one on Motzash. Wooooo!

Shabbat is in Netanya.

And so ends the post about my trip back home.

Shabbat Shalom y'all.

A post-shabz pre-oz post

Hi world,

Shabbat was lovely.

Here's what I did.

I went to my usual adorable hippie minyan thats about the size of my kitchen and had a very intense prayer experience. Which is surprising for me b/c I'm close to being the worst davener in history - after Yeshayahu Leibowitz.

Then I had a million people over for dinner (read: 10). As usual with me it was over-catered. But the culinary highlights include split pea soup, Doritos salad and sweet potato pie (the real star of the evening) The company was lovely and I basically just live to be a hostess so I went to bed very satisfied.

Today, I went to Shira Hadasha for shacharit (well I got there in time for torah reading...). There were less women in kippot and talisim this week so I felt more comfortable. The best part however (apart from having hot drinks and whole oranges at the kiddush) was the shiur after shule by Rabbi Ethan Tucker the rosh yeshiva of Machon Hadar. I'll be honest, it wasn't the best shiur I've ever heard (I tend to think that liberal orthodoxy isn't too intellectually honest) but it was pretty good nonetheless.

Then lunch was wonderful. I went to a friend of mine's mum and not only does she have great kids and vegetarian food but also really interesting guests. One was getting his phd in biblical studies. Another works as a researcher for the human rights organisation 'B'Tzelem' and another was a South African human rights lawyer/lecturer. Everybody was lovely and interesting and helped remind me that your can be orthodox and a good person. Surprising, I know.

Other than that, I gotta give y'all a heads up that I may be absent for the next 2 weeks or so. I'm going back to oz for my best friend's wedding and may be a bit distracted by that.

So consider yourselves warned.

Shavua Bov, Ms.b

The land of stairs and mustaches

Hi all,

I apologise for my absence but I was very far away from the laptop for the past little bit.

How far away?

Italy, far away.

That's right. I finished exams and living on the edge of Europe has its upside - very cheap last minute flights.

So off I went with my ex-kindergarten boyfriend to the land of treif pizza and pasta.

We were in Milan for the first 4 nights and then Venice for the weekend.

We went hiking on our first day in Cinque Terre. They are 5 adorable old villages along the west coast of Italy. The weather was beautiful; sunshine and a light sea breeze. The hike wound its way past streams, vineyards and the fishing villages filled with mustached old men.

Then we had a day in Milan. We went to the shule that my grandparents married in, then visited the local Jewish area to pick up some kosher grub. After that we visited the local giant palace and its museums, the local arch of peace (that the French totally ripped off with their arch de triumph) and the Duomo cathedral (I recommend u google images of this, it's very impressive). After that we had some quality shopping at 70% off - yay for end-of-season in Europe!

The third day we went to Lake Como and climbed to the top of the mountain there. The hike was beautiful and so was the lake but I didn't pay that much attention b/c I was mainly focussed on panting, sweating and not falling off the mountain. That night was Australia day so we ceremonially got pissed.

On Friday in Venice we went to Murrano and Burrano to see the islands that hand make glass and lace for like 500 years. AMAZING!

Shabbat in Venice was a very interesting experience. We davened with the community in a shule from the middle ages. The Italians have all their own traditions which are neither sephardi nor ashkenazi. The rabbi of the community was absurdly good looking and well dressed. He also speaks 5 languages and enjoys flying around Europe for short trips. Additionally - he's SINGLE!!!! He's a 34 year old divorcee with no kids and looking, so give me a buzz if u reckon you could be the future Rebbetzin of Venice.

At dinner we were put with the young folks who just happened to all be close to the age of 30 on a religious singles ski trip. Each and every one of them was single for their own unique and easily recognizable reason. Some were too aggressive. Some seemed to have no sense of humour. Others had a terrible sense of humour. It was a very sad sight to see.

Dinner and lunch and seuda shlishit were all with Chabad. Obviously I, like most MO Jews, have a complex relationship with Chabad. On the one hand I want their food, on the other hand they may be idolaters. You see, these ones genuinely believed that the Rebbe was moshiach. It said so on their yamulkes and in the prayers they added to benching and other services as well as implied from the parochet of the aron ha'kodesh. On it was embroidered a picture of 770. Creepy much?

Apart from that we missed our train on Sunday, so had a mad rush to the airport in Milan. It then started snowing - which was beautiful particularly when you're warm inside.

Then we hopped on a plane back home.

The next night we regrouped for Italian food in the holy land and a viewing of The Italian Job to recall good times that had very recently occurred.

The end.