Rockin' The Suburbs

I grew up as a member of a vibrant ethnic minority in Australia. My childhood included easter eggs and camping on Christmas. My time at university was marked by explaining to many lecturers that once again I will not be able to attend lectures/tutorials because yes, this week, again, we have another festival, again. Oh and explaining to my employers at the bakery that I won't be able to work for a week because I can't go near bread because G-d said so.

I was told over and over again not to drink with non-Jews, not to date non-Jews and that if you marry a non-Jew you die.

However, now I'm in Israel. I'm part of the majority. More then that, I'm white(ish) and come from the upper-middle class. Essentially, I belong to the privileged.

The non-discriminated.

The roles are now reversed. When I asked my Arab classmates if they wanted to hang out after Ulpan they were declining because their families didn't like them mixing with the Jews too much. Now my religious festivals are the national holidays and Ramadan and Easter are exceptions to the rule.

On the one hand this is awesome.

On the other hand.... I'm abit uncomfortable.

It's weird to me that people who make up 20% of the population (Arabs) and who've been Israeli citizens for 3 or 4 generations are still invisible in academia, entertainment and politics.

I cringe when I see that the all Jewish law library is being cleaned exclusively by Arabs.

I prefer not to think that there are separate Jewish and Arab buses, schools and neighborhoods in Jerusalem.

Thank goodness I'm a woman so I don't feel the full brunt of white upper-middle-class male guilt.

Hail Mary.

By The Way...

By the way... you should know that I'm religious.

I get the feeling in my life that I need a badge declaring for the world that I'm an orthodox Jewess. I need one because despite the skirts and the sleeves and the necklines people still don't get that I'm religious.

Or even when they ask me and I answer "yes" they reply with "yeah, but you're not really."

By that I assume they mean that I think and talk and dress and think. And THINK. Also that I'm interested in film, music, poetry, fashion and philosophy and apparently religious people just aren't into that stuff.

So why does this bother me so much?

Because I actually understand why people think I'm not religious - sometimes I forget that I'm religious myself.

Additionally, I actually prefer the company of the secular. In particular, secular boys.

This is because they don't look at you with the starving eyes of a man who hasn't touched female flesh since he was 15 when his rabbi bribed him with pizza to make a promise that he will no longer touch girlies or himself. But at the same time religious boys never tell you that you look nice. They never reckon that you are wearing a wicked top or interesting shoes.

Secular boys on the other hand have learnt the art of the compliment.

But wait, there's more...

• Secular boys aren't always trying to evaluate your abilities as a breeder.
• Secular boys aren't scared of the fact that you study law.
• Secular boys aren't afraid that you wear colour.
• Secular boys won't judge you for drinking beer.
• Secular boys are ok with you being left-wing.

But there's also less...

• Secular boys don't get that you can't go out on friday night
• Secular boys don't get that Rambam is a top bloke.
• Secular boys don't get that you're not doing all this because of your family but because you made an informed and active volition to live a religious life.

Shit, now I've ruled out both brands of boys.

Shit.

The Age of Reason

So I've recently been to a couple of outings to the 'swamp/bitza' of Katamon J'lem. There, the natives engage in long and arduous mating rituals that are consistently unsuccessful. Which begs the question - why are these otherwise (mostly) lovely human beings epicly failing at finding a spouse?

This situation is particularly strange when we consider the status of non-religious 30-year-olds. These folks are almost always either married or in steady relationships. So why are their G-d fearing counterparts whiling away their nights alone, cold, in the dark, crying themselves to sleep?

I will tell you.

Shomer Nagia.

You see, religious people fall into two categories relationship-wise. Those that are young and naive and stupid and get married when they are 20 to somebody they've known for 3 hours (kidding... 3 months but same dif) and those that are 30 with 3 degrees, 2 jobs and live in Katamon.

That's it.

Two categories.

Take. Your. Pick.

This is where being Shomer Nagia messes with the situation. Because when you don't touch somebody you have to analyse the situation reasonably and a rationally. You simply can't get swept away with the moment and romance. As such you don't spend your dates holding hands and other appendages rather you ask your suitor responsible questions about their childhood, ideal parenting style and top three rabbis. Accordingly, if you over analyse any person or any relationship without the happy hormones from touching, you're probably going to come to the conclusion that you should run fast before you're trapped in a kitchen surrounded by children (see post on procreation regarding my fear of very young people).

This is however, unless you are young and stupid and naive and therefore willing to tie yourself to another human being and essentially place a significant part of your future wellbeing and happiness in their hands. You would only do that if you don't think about it too much.

The same goes for non-religious folks. They are so high on hot sex that they fail to notice that behind that ripped chest of a greek god is a vacuous self-absorbed mummy's boy. And that's why they manage to get themselves married or into relationships.

Only the religious who do not fall into holy matrimony at the age of gullibility fail to enter coupledom b/c they are simply thinking too much.

But its not their fault. G-d made them do it.

Grrr. G-d.

The Rules

Men of Jerusalem - in case there was some confusion, b/c it seems you don't know what's required of you - here are my expectations...

1) You are to call me to ask me out - do not text me

2) You are to call me with a date plan: where, when, what, who...

3) The day after the date you are to contact me - here I'm lenient and a txt will suffice - however if you want to ask me for another date or to let me know you don't want another date - a phone call is necessary

For now these are the basic requirements to get a first or second date with me. If you do not abide by them do not expect me to meet up with you, b/c I won't. Soz babez.

How I am not a Man

I’ve recently spent at least 10 hours studying the laws of war. I will be spending at least another 40 hours studying this topic before December. This experience has taught me a very important lesson.

First: that sometimes it doesn't matter if the lecture is in English, you can still have no idea what's flying.

Second: I am not a man.

As much as I am in many ways just as component as a man and have the same natural entitlements and obligations as a man when it comes to violence we are talking about apples and oranges.

I am quite simply not violent. I will never use force to get what I want. Additionally I have never been nor am I likely to ever be in an army or a war. As such, the world of perpetrating violence is not my world and I can't understand it.

Now if we want to talk about victims of violence I get it. Without actually having experienced any significant violence against myself, I still know what it’s like to be afraid and know that I have no real means of defence.

I know that this is not the experience of all women. Obviously not. The fact that I’m 5 ft nothing and just a smidge over 50 kgs and generally adorable makes me inherently vulnerable. But additionally violence simply wouldn’t be an efficient method for me to get what I want and that’s why I use other methods to get my way. Like smiling, hair twirling or logical arguments. I don’t think ever about using violence and I can’t understand people who do use it. It simply doesn’t run through my decision making process ever. Even if other people threaten violence with me, counter violence doesn’t even play in my mind as a means of defence.

As such, there is a whole part of the world, of the man’s world, that is not part of my world. Now this realisation is significant in two ways

1) It’s something, which is at least partly biological (though also cultural) that differentiates me from the masculine, this is an uncommon reality b/c in most other ways I am the same as men, b/c ultimately we are all just people

2) I probably cannot be a human rights lawyer, at least where human rights relate to war or conflicts. B/c I just don’t get violence or war. I don’t understand it and hence would make a totally shit lawyer in this area. Goodbye potential job opportunities in the middle-east.

So does it bother me to not be a violent man? Not really. But it would be nice if even men weren’t violent in the first place.

Announcements

Men of Jerusalem I have a few important announcements for you.

1) If you are married you must wear a wedding ring. If you do not - you are a tease. Particularly if you are wearing a kippa. Seriously, if you led people in other areas into believing that you are, say a doctor or rich, you would be sued and people may die, the same should apply (minus the people dying part) if you are married but do not indicate that in any way. How else am I meant to know who to smile at or invite to my study group (if ya know what I mean ;p)

2) Do not pause mid-conversation with me to check out a girls tits and then say 'G-d, that was awesome.' I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. Don't be gross.

3) If you are a native English speaker and I'm speaking to you in English and I know you speak English because we are discussing your childhood in America, speak to me in English. Seriously, don't pretend that you've forgotten our mother language, because you live in Katamon and learnt at a Chutznik yeshiva, we both know you still speak English. You're not fooling anyone, except maybe yourself. Fool.

4) Man-bags are not an appropriate accessory. You have pockets, use them! You should not need anything more than phone-keys-wallet and therefore should not need a bag. But if you must, it may be a stachel, but a small murse is not ironic, it's just lame.

There you have it folks - two posts in one day - am I a good blogger or what?

The Hebrew University of Jerusalem

I sincerely apologise for the more than week long absence. To make it up to you I'll fin you in on my life.

I have now started studying Law at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. I've already told y'all about my subjects and how ridiculously excited I was to start so I wont go into all that again.

But I will tell you about the exchange program, about my classes and peers and about being a little bit older now.

There are 8 of us in the exchange program. 4 Danes, 3 Australians and one Spaniard (Catalan). Only the Australians are Jewish and speak Hebrew. Only I am taking half my courses in Hebrew. Additionally, I'm the only one staying for a year, which means that next semester I will be the only exchange student in the entire faculty. The Europeans are struggling very much for the following reasons - housing here is very expensive, everything is disorganized, nobody is patient or polite and they can't communicate with anybody b/c they don't speak Hebrew. If asked I'd say they are probably not having a great time just yet. Which is a shame but well... welcome to the middle east.

Regarding myself, well university is absurdly hectic. I'm taking 6 subjects, three in Hebrew and three in English. Additionally I got a position on the university kollel, which means I get paid to learn Torah but it also means that some days I'm at university for more than 13 hours. I also volunteered to teach a bit of Torah which means additional hours at university. In total I'm at university for 50 hours a week. Compared to the maybe 10 hours a week I had at university in Australia.

However, I mean like, that's what I'm here to do. Go to university. In oz I was distracted by my many extracurricular activities and here I have the opportunity to be a real student and to participate in university fully. So I'll see how it goes.

I have to say that it is absurdly pleasant to be attending a university full of Jews and that there are enough kippa wearing individuals that I no longer count how many are in my lecture theater. Then again - I suppose that's not very different to my uni in Oz.

I also had my birthday over the weekend. Which means that I am now 22. The age at which my mother entered her marriage. But then again she always says that she was too young, so I don't really feel the pressure, particularly given my previous post on my ambivalence to procreation.

I had friends over for shabbat dinner for my birthday - it was generally wonderful and I had a couple of my friends sleep over so it was a 25 hour celebration of my birth. It brought me much joy.

Finally, I have another date later this week with another boy. This one is another american (exhale of exasperation) studies engineering at Tel Aviv and teaches gemara at Machon Meir. The US thing and the Machon Meir thing don't bide well, but he is good looking so worst comes to worst I'll just tune out, smile and nod and appreciate his bone structure and complexion.

With that, I hope you've all forgiven me for my tardy postage,

Cheers, Miss.B

Procreation

I do not like children. Yes, I'm aware that I have ovaries and that I like to cook and crochet and wear skirts, all of which would imply that I like children. But I do not like children.

Here's why.

Children are evil.

Now don't get all huffy about this. I also think that adults are evil because humanity is pretty shit. Human beings consistently murder, rape, steal, beat, mutilate, humilate or simply don't care. Because people suck.

By this I mean people are just pretty selfish so if it's in their interests then they'll do shit things. But otherwise, as we can see around us, we tend to behave kinda ok.

This is because most adults have learnt to hide their selfish evil tendecies. We know that we won't have any friends if we don't share, that if we are constantly backstabbing that we won't get that promotion at work and if we rape, pillage and murder we'll probably go to prison (at least in

the western world).

Children on the other hand have not yet learnt to hide their selfish tendencies. Indeed they have basically no empathy for other human beings. All they care about are their own needs with no regard for the feelings of others. Many times they don't even realise that other people have feelings.

Please see http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-reveals-most-children-unrepentant-sociop,2870/ for more details about how evil children are.

This understanding about humanity led me for many years to be ambivalent about procreation. The world sux b/c people suck so why would I want to contribute to that by making more people, or on the odd chance that my offspring aren't evil why would I want them to have to deal with all of this?

But then again, I'm an Orthodox Jewess and dem Jews love dem babies.

Luckiliy I recently had a change of heart (sort of).

See not everybody behaves badly all the time. In fact people sometimes to really good things. But first they need to be taught whats good and bad. Now I don't want to be a teacher. But even if I did I don't think our school staff really give over moral lessons in any real way. It's mainly learnt at home.

So if I want there to be good people in the world then I have to make them myself (and a little help from Mr.Donor and Medicare...jj...or am I?)

On an additional level all the good work that I'll hopefully do as a family lawyer (divorce - yay!) will probably not have the same lasting impact on the world as creating awesome people will. This is because (if everything goes to plan) awesome people make more awesome people and then after a few generations we have an army and can take over the world! Conquor! Name me your Queen! All hail Queen Bogan! Tremble before me!

Stam.

But this is a message to you all: have babies (in moderation) and raise them right, it'll be much better for tikkun olam than all the recycling and vegan cheese in the world.

Simchat Torah

I'd like to start this off by stating that Simchat Torah is not a real chag. I'm really happy that we've finished the reading the Torah for the year. I'm sad that Moses has died and excited that the world is about to be created but my idea of celebration doesn't include being sweated on by 500 hairy hippies in a bombshelter-shule.

And therefore I bailed on a lot of Simchat Torah.

But don't go feeling sorry for me b/c of all the chaggim we've had these past few weeks Simchat Torah was my favorite. Here's what I did.

I had people over on Wednesday night. The food (if I do say so myself) was amazing.

• apple and fennel salad
• thai salad
• sushi salad (as always)
• Vietnamese rice rolls
• lasagna
• mushroom quiche
• pomegranate quinoa
• assorted roast veggies

and for dessert peanut butter and chocolate slice.

The guests were wonderful and amusing and they got on surprisingly well with each other. I didn't get to bed till 3am b/c we were chatting so much.

The next day we walked to Shira Chadasha on Emek Refaim which is a very long walk (40 mins) but it was wonderful to get out of Nachlaot and see the rest of Jlem, particularly the wealthier suburbs of Rechavia and Katamon.

After that we took the leftovers and went to Gan Sacher for a picnic and there we stayed watching the natives till sunset. All in all it was a magical day.

Last night the fun continued at the most ridiculously indie locations in Jlem (lets see if you are cool enough to know them)

• Sira
• Heder V'Hetzi
• Uganda (which had an amazing band playing as well a new Turkish beer)

For shabz I'm off to Netanya to catch up with a ex-Melbourne Sherut girl, am pretty excited to be by the coast.

The coming week I'm giving a shiur on Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu on Sunday, I'm not sure what to do then on Monday and Tuesday but on Wednesday I start university. Pishing myself with excitement would be an understatement.

With that am off to Netanya, I'll send your regards to the sunshine and sand and sherut girls,

Shabbat Shalom, Miss.B