Coming Home

Look I'm not going to pretend to be overjoyed about returning to Melbourne. I really enjoy living in the middle east where rights and civil liberties are still being developed. It's fun to be in the thick of it.

But since I have to return anyways I may as well make the most of it. And so, I bring to you all a list of what I am looking forward to down under.

1) Driving. Granted I could do this anywhere but only in Melbourne do I have a car. No more hours spent on buses with babies crying and lechery old men. Or young men. Or very aggressive lesbians. Look, I love the masses but I'd prefer to not be stuck in a giant metal moving box with them sweating and farting. Furthermore, despite all aspersions cast on my driving due to the absence of a y chromosome, I can reverse parallel park like a pro (in front of Glicks on a Friday) and replace a fan belt with a pair of stockings. Impressed? You should be.

2) Coffee. Obviously we all know that Sydney got the Lebanese while we got the Italians. Hence we got coffee and they got kebabs. I'd say we got the better deal. I miss not having to ask for my coffee to be warmed up. Or having to return it for being burnt. Or for having too much milk. Or for my latte coming in a giant mug. Or having to ask for water with my coffee. You may call me a snob but I'll just roll my eyes, pointed exhale at the plebeians and search for my next caffeine fix.

3) The beach. I know that it's more of a bay and that its full of pollution and 3 eyed fish but after living in a landlocked city you come to appreciate having a large body of water at your doorstep. It's so relaxing. Besides it's a prime talent (read: boy) scouting location.

4) Culture. I know Jerusalem is trying. But they have bigger fish to fry than encouraging bands and poets to be creative on it's streets. I miss the million live shows on every night of the week. I miss the film festivals. And the street markets and the slam poetry. It's lovely that there's almost a handful of tolerable bars or restaurants in Jlem but sometimes a girl would like a few more options.

5) Bagels. They just don't get it. A bagel is not a bread roll with a hole in the middle. It has to be boiled and sold to you by a tiny eastern European man on a Sunday morning. Otherwise it simply will not do.

6) Sundays. Seriously. Just think how much happier the middle east would be if they had Sundays off. They would probably stop blowing stuff up even. Woah. If you'll allow me to kvetch for a moment I'd like to let y'all know that for the past while I've been at university from 7.30am till 8pm every Sunday. Think about what you were doing on Sundays. Reading the paper. Going for a bike ride. Eating a bagel. All the while I was in a class in a foreign language being lectured about divorces and other miserable things. It was enough to make me want to blow stuff up too.

7) Fashion. Sometimes it's too overwhelming to even contemplate. Other times it's hilarious enough to photograph. Curly mullets? Stone washed denim? Leg warmers? Jeggings! I know Melbourne sometimes is a little bit too in love with black. But I'll happily take that over socks and sandals any day. Unless they are ironic hipster socks and sandals that is.

8) Offices open at regular hours. The bank. The post office. The doctors office. Why are you only open every second Thursday from 10-12 and then from 3.30 till 5 if the moon is waxing but not if it's erev chag! When am I meant to get shit done if you're never open???

9) Saturday newspapers. I miss you Danny Katz! And "The two of us" section has been missing from my life for too long now. Not to mention some quality Friday night AJN.

10) I suppose maybe kinda sorta a bit my family and friends. But only just a little.

Sabradom!

To update you folks on my progress of israelification I have reached a new level of sabradom.

I now tell people off. People I don't know. In the middle of the street.

And. I. LOVE. It.

It all started on my first day here. I had to go to the bank. It was the middle of summer, I was jetlagged and there was only one cashier working. So I waited in line. And I waited and I waited. Then finally I was first in line. Suddenly another cashier opened! So I stepped forward to be served only to be overtaken by a haredi guy from the back of the line!

I was so hot and tired and grumpy that I laid straight into him! I told him that it was unfair what he was doing. That I was next in line. I've been waiting here patiently.That as a religious man he should know better. That immediately after tisha b'av he should behave better. That by doing this he's contributing to sinat chinam (baseless hatred). And that by contributing to sinat chinam he's perpetuating the destruction of the temple and delaying the coming of moshiach.

Damn straight I showed him.

But I still had to wait till he was done before I was served since he doesn't speak to women or listen to them when they yell at him in public places.

Since that first taste I've been hooked.

I yell at Arabs who whistle at me on the street. I tell them not to be like animals but to behave with self respect and treat themselves and other people with the respect they deserve.

I yell at teenage boys who ask me if I can get them cigarettes or beer telling them that its not good for them, that they should look after themselves and that it's illegal.

I even yelled at a boy on my bus who consistently wears sexually explicit and misogynistic t-shirts telling him that there are children on public transport and that those t-shirts are not appropriate for outside of the house.

In short I yell at anyone, any where, any time.

So if you need somebody to be chastised... you know who to call.

Beit Lechem

So as was previously stated last Tuesday I went to Beit Lechem.

Here are 10 things that I learnt from that trip.

1) Catholics and Orthodox Christians are theologically very similar but they really really don't like each other and sometimes resort to violence

2) Beit Lechem has the church of the nativity which is where people think Jesus was born.

3) Jesus was actually born in Nazareth but people like to say he was from Beit Lechem so to establish that he's from the Davidic line and could be the Messiah.

4) Jesus was not born in a barn but was actually born in a cave.

5) The separation fence (apartheid wall) is pretty ugly and scary and bad for Palestinian business, but it also serves as a great canvass for street art and movie projections.

6) Beit Lechem is clean, well developed, organised and beautiful.

7) Bethlemites are polite, cheerful and friendly.

8) The university does not have a security check to enter (very different to Hebrew U) it is also aesthetically stunning and has lots of student life.

9) German Lutheran Pastors are the shiz.

10) Sometimes in life you are pleasantly surprised.

Arabesque

Here’s a story for you folks playing at home.

I was taking a bus home on Saturday night from Givat Ze’ev (a settlement near Jlem). The bus weaves in and out of the settlement. At some point a couple of arab boys got on the bus. Just as the bus was about the re-enter the settlement it was stopped at the gate and the guard stepped on. He looked at each person on the bus and then stopped in front of the arab boys. He then got into a discussion with them (I wasn’t really listening) but it was evident that he didn’t want them coming into the yishuv. After about 10 minutes of tooing and froing the bus driver got involved and it was settled that the arabs could stay on the bus as long as the guard would stay on the bus with them until it leaves the yishuv, which was roughly 1 minute, as it circles the roundabout at the entrance to the yishuv picked up one passenger and then left to return to Jlem.

Disgraceful.

The thing is, if you asked the shomer he may say you can’t trust them, they may be terrorists.

The other thing is, if you asked the arab boys they may say that they’re terrorists b/c of Israeli oppression.

Sounds kinda cyclic to me.

p.s. 10 points if you get the pic.

p.p.s. I'm going to Beit Lechem today

Girl Talk has a new album out

Finally! It’s happened!

I fit in!

After 6 weeks of university in a foreign country, I finally feel like I have friends. It took a loooong time because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, law students are snobs, I wasn’t so friendly with them in Australia either, but here there’s a few here or there and now it’s all swell. Additionally, there was the language issue. Even though I can speak Hebrew fine, I’m not really funny or bubbly in Hebrew like I am (or think I am) in English. Also it takes more guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a foreign language. But I’ve done it.

Yay!

Apart from finally having people to hang with and wave to in the corridors, this occurrence has lead to some interesting conversations.

One of them in particular happened today.

So some background; I’m in a beit midrash about 15 hours a week for a scholarship. It’s going pretty well; it has religious people and secular people and boys and girls. It’s a dream.

So today during seder I was at a table of only girls. And for some reason while considering the Talmudic discussion of ‘an eye for an eye’ we began discussing the boys in the program.

It was hilarious.

I felt like I was back in Melbourne in Bnei Akiva or Mizrachi. The girls complained that there’s a heap of boys and girls the right age, background and interests and they just aren’t dating each other. The girls, as per usual, blamed the boys saying they are too shy or cowardly to ask out the girls.

Amazing.

Free Love

Oh loyal followers of my blog, I have a problem.

I'm very very close to hating Haredim. In fact - if I were to be completely honest - I may have to admit that I already hate them. Very much.

Now, if this hatred was irrational I suspect that I would find it easier to get over, but I have so many good reasons to dislike the Ultra-Orthodox in Israel.

Oh radical fundamentalist Jews - How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

1) I hate that they do not work. There are whole tracts of the gemara and shulchan aruch dedicated to the laws of work - of finance, payments, ownership, employment and loans - and they weren't just written for you to study. They were written so that people can work in an ethical manner. Rambam himself was a doctor, Rashi had a vineyard and the Chofetz Chayim ran a grocery. And these were incredible minds who contributed enormous amounts to our literary wealth. You, the average haredi thinker - what brilliant commentaries on the talmud or chumash are you producing while you don't work? I admit that there's a place for the non-earners, just like there's a place in society for academics. But not everybody gets to spend their whole lives at university unless they are gifted and producing works themselves. So to the haredi masses I say - Get a JOB!

2) I hate the way they treat women. Women can't speak in public. Women can't learn Torah. Women can't have autonomy over their bodies. Ultimately the way pornography relates to women is the same way that haredim see them. In both worlds women are sexualized and seen as a source of temptation. The difference is that pornography attempts to embrace/exploit it while the haredi world attempts to cover/hide from it with head shaving, tights and ponchos. But ultimately in both worlds women are merely dehumanized sex objects.

3) I hate the way they don't serve in the army. Now I know this may make me a little bit hypocritical since I'm not serving in the army. I'll accept that criticism, however, that still doesn't make it ok for an entire sect of the Israeli population, many of whom support the settlements or even live in the west bank (betar illit is the fastest growing settlement) to benefit from the security provided by the nation's youth without contributing to it themselves. Not ok.

4) I hate what they've done to Judaism. Halacha, Torah and Judaism are very important to me and it hurts me to see what they do to it. They make it look like a religion of ignorance, of selfishness, of extremism, of violence and intolerance. To me Judaism is peace, education, morality and comprised of many different expressions and facets. Not everything is black and white. More than that, the more stringent opinion isn't always the right one. Every time they riot and throw acid/rocks/human faeces they desecrate Hashem's name. Seriously, not ok.

So with all these reasons why does it bother me that I hate them?

Well for two reasons -

Firstly, nothing gets solved with hatred. If I want to fix the situation, I'm going to have to understand and accept the haredim. And then help them change and grow.

Secondly, I believe that the temple was destroyed because of Sinat Chinam (baseless hatred) and that it will be rebuilt because of Ahavat Chinam (baseless love). Irrespective of my views on the temple and animal sacrifices and the like, if we consider the messianic era as just a super happy good time in history, it makes scene that love and not hate will bring this.

So I'm gonna work on loving dem haredim.

Maybe free hugs will be a good start?

Rockin' The Suburbs

I grew up as a member of a vibrant ethnic minority in Australia. My childhood included easter eggs and camping on Christmas. My time at university was marked by explaining to many lecturers that once again I will not be able to attend lectures/tutorials because yes, this week, again, we have another festival, again. Oh and explaining to my employers at the bakery that I won't be able to work for a week because I can't go near bread because G-d said so.

I was told over and over again not to drink with non-Jews, not to date non-Jews and that if you marry a non-Jew you die.

However, now I'm in Israel. I'm part of the majority. More then that, I'm white(ish) and come from the upper-middle class. Essentially, I belong to the privileged.

The non-discriminated.

The roles are now reversed. When I asked my Arab classmates if they wanted to hang out after Ulpan they were declining because their families didn't like them mixing with the Jews too much. Now my religious festivals are the national holidays and Ramadan and Easter are exceptions to the rule.

On the one hand this is awesome.

On the other hand.... I'm abit uncomfortable.

It's weird to me that people who make up 20% of the population (Arabs) and who've been Israeli citizens for 3 or 4 generations are still invisible in academia, entertainment and politics.

I cringe when I see that the all Jewish law library is being cleaned exclusively by Arabs.

I prefer not to think that there are separate Jewish and Arab buses, schools and neighborhoods in Jerusalem.

Thank goodness I'm a woman so I don't feel the full brunt of white upper-middle-class male guilt.

Hail Mary.

The Rules

Men of Jerusalem - in case there was some confusion, b/c it seems you don't know what's required of you - here are my expectations...

1) You are to call me to ask me out - do not text me

2) You are to call me with a date plan: where, when, what, who...

3) The day after the date you are to contact me - here I'm lenient and a txt will suffice - however if you want to ask me for another date or to let me know you don't want another date - a phone call is necessary

For now these are the basic requirements to get a first or second date with me. If you do not abide by them do not expect me to meet up with you, b/c I won't. Soz babez.

The Hebrew University of Jerusalem

I sincerely apologise for the more than week long absence. To make it up to you I'll fin you in on my life.

I have now started studying Law at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. I've already told y'all about my subjects and how ridiculously excited I was to start so I wont go into all that again.

But I will tell you about the exchange program, about my classes and peers and about being a little bit older now.

There are 8 of us in the exchange program. 4 Danes, 3 Australians and one Spaniard (Catalan). Only the Australians are Jewish and speak Hebrew. Only I am taking half my courses in Hebrew. Additionally, I'm the only one staying for a year, which means that next semester I will be the only exchange student in the entire faculty. The Europeans are struggling very much for the following reasons - housing here is very expensive, everything is disorganized, nobody is patient or polite and they can't communicate with anybody b/c they don't speak Hebrew. If asked I'd say they are probably not having a great time just yet. Which is a shame but well... welcome to the middle east.

Regarding myself, well university is absurdly hectic. I'm taking 6 subjects, three in Hebrew and three in English. Additionally I got a position on the university kollel, which means I get paid to learn Torah but it also means that some days I'm at university for more than 13 hours. I also volunteered to teach a bit of Torah which means additional hours at university. In total I'm at university for 50 hours a week. Compared to the maybe 10 hours a week I had at university in Australia.

However, I mean like, that's what I'm here to do. Go to university. In oz I was distracted by my many extracurricular activities and here I have the opportunity to be a real student and to participate in university fully. So I'll see how it goes.

I have to say that it is absurdly pleasant to be attending a university full of Jews and that there are enough kippa wearing individuals that I no longer count how many are in my lecture theater. Then again - I suppose that's not very different to my uni in Oz.

I also had my birthday over the weekend. Which means that I am now 22. The age at which my mother entered her marriage. But then again she always says that she was too young, so I don't really feel the pressure, particularly given my previous post on my ambivalence to procreation.

I had friends over for shabbat dinner for my birthday - it was generally wonderful and I had a couple of my friends sleep over so it was a 25 hour celebration of my birth. It brought me much joy.

Finally, I have another date later this week with another boy. This one is another american (exhale of exasperation) studies engineering at Tel Aviv and teaches gemara at Machon Meir. The US thing and the Machon Meir thing don't bide well, but he is good looking so worst comes to worst I'll just tune out, smile and nod and appreciate his bone structure and complexion.

With that, I hope you've all forgiven me for my tardy postage,

Cheers, Miss.B

YK

Howzit peeps?

Hope you all survived 25 hours of no food or drink and that you all managed to recall/repent all your sins despite the memory erasing powers of alcohol.

I was in the holy city of jerusalem for the day of atonement and it was reasonably awesome. Israel in general on YK is exceptional. It really feels like a day of awe.

Every single shop/business is closed. There is not a single car on the road. All the traffic lights are just flashing yellow the whole time. And obviously there are a million cyclists roving the streets in herds taking advantage that there is one day of the year that they are less likely to be road kill.

It was generally amazing to see a city of 500,000 people (in West j'lem) completely close down. I haven't done any research on this at all but I reckon that this is the only country in the world where that happens.

But apart from my wanderings around the town I severely dislike YK. Basically b/c prayer is seriously not my thing. For this I blame Rambam (see Hilchot Yesodei Hatorah for details). Since the whole day is spent praying it's very close to being the most painful thing ever other than me having to watch commercial tv. Masterchef. *Shudder*

And with that - Gmar Hatima Tova to you all, lets see how long we can keep this 'clean from sin' thing going on for k?

hagshama

Howzit ppl?

Get excited b/c for once I have a post that is not a rant!

So I recently signed up for classes for this coming semester at hebrew u. They are following:

1) Jewish Law

2) Family Law

3) International Humanitarian Law

4) Feminism and Halacha

5) Talmud

6) The Israeli Legal system

Studying law in Israel (in Hebrew!!!) is a very exciting thing for me. Indeed studying Halacha and family law is the beginning of something pretty big for me.

I was about 10 when I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Though my exact words at the time were "I wanna be a bannister." Gosh kids say the darnedest things. Anyways, my parents found it scary too. They kept trying to remind me that I could be a hairdresser or astronaut if I wanted to. My brother was so much less creepy. He just wanted to be the shule lolly man. At about age 12 I decided I wanted to be a family lawyer and at age 14 (though almost 15) I decided that I wanted to make Aliya.

Since then I've had to finish high school, get accepted to law school and become eligible to study here all in the furtherance of these things that I decided I wanted during my childhood.

So how do I feel about what I'm about to do in October? Freaking ecstatic!

This is because I'd some day like to wear a cape to a courtroom and rescue people from terrible marriages and children from manipulative parental power plays all in one swoop while leaping over tall buildings. I'd also like to stick it to the man (this time mainly referring to the rabbanut).

So wish me luck!

Rosh HaShanah

Sorry y'all for the delay in postage but it turns out the new year took a freaking long time to pass and apart from that I have essays and final exams n shite like that atm as well. Yeah, I know, basically my life sux.

But not as much as other people's. And that will be the topic of today's post.

So I was in a Yishuv, that shall not be named, for chag.

Lets just say that almost nobody there does the following things:

1) owns/watches tv

2) reads novels

3) reads newspapers

4) listens to anything other than Eviatar Banai or Miami boys choir

5) goes to university

6) uses contraception

But it could be any yishuv you say? Yeh well, I guess you'll never know then.

Anyways so while I was there I went out to lunch with a ladyfriend of mine. We went to a she-friend of mine who is married to a rabbinical student and is quite pregnant. And very much fulfills the above criteria for settlement resident.

As I was saying, we went there for lunch. Indeed there were 10 people at the festive meal. 5 boys and 5 girls. Of these there were 3 couples. Every single married woman at the table was within a year of her wedding and with child. There were 2 singles of each gender. How convenient.

Now the hostess is quite smart and funny and generally awesome. But not at the table. In fact none of the female participators of the meal said a single thing throughout the entire 4 courses. All they did was clear dishes and replace them with the next course. While the boys sat at the table.

In the kitchen however it was a different story. These young women were funny and smart and insightful. They even had opinions and personalities.

Once or twice I made the mistake of speaking when I had not been spoken to. The entire table went silent and stared until I'd finished speaking and then continued with the conversation. They discussed what I'd said but pretended that I hadn't said it. But rather a voice from the heavens gave that opinion and it was now up to the rabbinical students to interpret it.

Essentially this bothers me because women are people too. When you don't think or don't express yourself, when your options are limited financially, socially, religiously, educationally and by children, it's difficult to live up to your full potential. It's hard to life up to your full humanhood.

Obviously there were other experiences of my new years celebration but that lunch definitely made the strongest impact on me.

Accordingly, I have a bracha for us all. May we all merit and strive to our full potential and contribute to the best of our abilities to making things better. Yay!

Jesus Saves, Jews Invest

There are about 4 Jews in my Ulpan class. There are 5 Arabs and about 9 Christians. It's funny that in the Jewish state I'm still in the minority.

I actually like this mix of people. There are Muslim Arabs who've been fasting for Ramadan and Christian Arabs who like to wear super giant crosses.

The non-Arab Christians are also generally swell. I even have a chevruta on the parsha with one of them. He's studying to become a Lutheran pastor and is super good at Tanach. I'd have to say it's one of the more interesting cherutot that I've ever had.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is the way the Christians view me, Jews and Zionism. Now, the more moderate views are simply that it's great that the Jews have a state and try to live moral lives but in order to really get those divine brownie points they gotta accept Jesus. I suppose that I'm ok with that idea.

The next level up are those Christians who think that the establishment of the state is pretty significantly theologically and would like all the Jews to live in Israel so that when Jesus return we can either accept him and be saved or reject him and be damned. That's a little bit more strange.

The highest level of intenseness are those who reckon that Jews should still be Jewish, should still be shomer torah and mitzvot but should simply also accept Jesus as the messiah. In their logic, and I quote for you directly, "if Chabad can have a messiah and the Breslovers can have a messiah and still be Jewish why can't Jews who believe in Jesus still be Jewish?"

So I've been trying to work out what makes me so uncomfortable with all this. I've decided it's a few things.

First: It's weird to think that the end if nigh. That at any moment the heavens may open up and G-d will pour out his wrath on the non-believers but save the saved. It's just abit nutso to me. I say this with the awareness that yes, there are many Religious Zionist Jews who feel similarly and that I do obviously also want to messiah to come asap. I guess that my concept of the messiah is a little bit more Maimonidean. See his commentary on perek chelek for more details.

Second: It's not ok with me that there's no option for me not to accept Jesus and be saved. Within my religion it's enough that the Non-Jews keep the 7 Noahide laws. Bascially they gotta be monotheist and moral. It's not that hard. There's no need for everybody to be Jewish or accept exactly my beliefs. But with the Christians in my class it annoys me that no matter how moral I am, no matter how much charity I give I'm nevertheless damned b/c I don't accept Jesus as the messiah.

Third: I keep wanting to yell at them "GET YOUR OWN RELIGION!" I think Christianity's inability to actually completely separate from Judaism irritates me. The fact that I (and Jews in general) still hold a significant theological position for Christians irritates me. They're obsessed with knowing Judaism and understanding Jews. But are constantly reading our practices from a Christian perspective and trying to fit us into their understanding of what Judaism is or should be and it grates upon me.

The final issue is that some of these people are very nice. They are funny and sweet and understanding so it's difficult to remain uncomfortable around them. But I nevertheless would very much prefer it if they didn't invite me to come to the Jews for Jesus shul and didn't speak about the Jews being damned during the lunch break.

Lets just stick to the topics of the weather and how much learning hebrew grammar sux, ok folks?

Conserving Judaism

I spent this week's shabbat at Kibbutz Hannaton, the only Conservative (Masorti) kibbutz in Israel. It was my first experience in conservative prayers and community.

As is typical of Israel both for Orthodoxy and Conservative Judaism there is a stronger adherence to traditional practice here than in Chul. But still some things were different. Men and women prayed together in shul with both of them reading from the Torah and being the shaliach tzibbur. Women were also included in the minyan of 10 people. Comfortingly however, the prayers were all in Hebrew and the service was otherwise identical to an Orthodox one.

I'd have to say that I felt really comfortable in the Conservative world. It always seemed obvious to me that women are people too and hence should be included in Jewish practice. I suppose that the only reason why I'm not Conservative is because I really value tradition and slow change. So even though I'd like Orthodoxy to move in the direction of Conservative Judaism, I'll be ok to wait another generation or two just to make sure they we don't change too fast and lose the really important bits of Judaism, for example our thousand year old practices that I reckon are worth preserving.

Other than that it was great to get out of Jerusalem and away from the intensity and hatred and stress and pressure that fills this holy city.

As a side note - the Frenchman is really not ready for religious dating. People are very vulnerable when undergoing conversion and I'd prefer not to get involved in that stuff.

However, I have another date with another American tomorrow night. We'll see how it goes.

Shavua tov

The Frenchman

There is a new boy in my ulpan class. He's French, but not the French boy whose top is so unbuttoned his nipples go flying. This is a new one who just started this week.

Here's what he's like. Tall. Broad. Big dark eyes. Thick wavy hair. Dresses so so well. Nice jeans and button down shirts and suave sunglasses. He speaks French (duh) English, Hebrew and Spanish. He's left-wing but still religious (like davenning in a minyan multiple times a day religious psht psht). He's funny and smart and we have great chemistry.

It's amazing after all these dates I've been on with all these boys how different it is when you just click with somebody. Then there's none of this "O, I guess I'll give them a second date" or "Yeah, they seemed sweet enough..." but no, when it works you just know.

But there's a catch.

There's always a bloody catch.

He's not Jewish.

His mum is Catholic, his dad is Jewish. He was raised as a secular Jew and has recentlyish been reunited with his Judaism. He's converting.

Which raises a couple of issues.

1) Why would you convert? GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! RUN!!! FLEEE!!!!!

2) What if I get involved with him and he changes his mind?

3) What if I get involved and he becomes haredi/super intense with Judaism b/c of the conversion process?

4) What if the conversion process takes another 5 years?

5)What if he converts and then the haredi rabbanut revokes it?

Anyways, so I'm generally not sure if I want to go out with him now even though he's otherwise supremely awesome.

But if I do want to go out with him how do I make this happen?

I've never ensnared anybody or seduced anybody in my whole life. I have no idea how to make him realise that he's obsessed with me.

My initial idea (please don't judge me too much for this) was to ask to have a chevruta with him. This serves two purposes.

1) I like to learn Torah with interesting people and he seems pretty interesting

2) It'll give him a chance to realise the full extent of my awesomeness and by logical consequence that he's in love with me.

But then I thought that maybe learning Torah with him may intimidate him or make him think I'm too holy to hit on. But I'm not. Hit on me dearest Frenchie!

So now I throw the questions to you folks out there:

1) Do I want to date a person in the process of converting?

2) If I do, how do I make that happen?

He-Man-Woman-Haters Club

Let's talk feminism for a moment folks.

There's been two incidents recently that have given rise to the need to blog on this topic.

The first incident went as such.

I was out with a guy friend of mine and a friend of his. The entire outing the two of them were making sexist jokes. Wait, that's unfair. Sometimes they paused to make racist jokes too. Women, according to these jokes, are stupid, slutty, uncoordinated and generally lesser human beings. When I raised the issue with the boys, they asserted that one can make sexist jokes without actually being sexist. Indeed that the fact that they can makes jokes about women means that women have reached such a level of equality that we can now make fun of them. To which I pointed out that there isn't a category of white middle-class man jokes. Probz b/c they are the ones making the sexist racist jokes.

The second incident occurred today.

I was sitting on the lawn during a break at ulpan. I was chilling with a bunch of religious boys reading some 'ben ish chai' (I'm know I'm way too frum for my own good). Somehow a discussion about marriage begins.

For the purpose of this conversation M is me and SAH is Sexist Ass-Hole.

SAH - If two people want to be married you can be married to anybody at all. If you get divorced that just means that you didn't want to be married enough. It has nothing to do with the actual person that you are married to.

M - No way. I reckon that there are some fundamental things that I could not have in a spouse.

SAH - Such as?

M - Well, if he wasn't shomer mitzvot I think it would make it very difficult to be married to him.

SAH - Ok, fine then. But within the religious world you could marry anybody and make it work.

M - I still disagree. What if he refused to ever wash a dish or cook a meal? There's no way I could be married to a person like that.

SAH - Well then obviously you are going to get divorced because u don't understand marriage at all. Your entire role in the marriage is to cook and clean.

M - And what's a man's role?

SAH - My role is to put on teffilin, your role is to cook.

M - *look of aghast despair*

SAH - Well, I suppose if you were 8 months pregnant and couldn't get out of bed then I wouldn't make you cook me dinner. But otherwise a marriage won't work unless each person fulfills their role.

At that, the break was finished and I returned to class with continued aghast despair.

In class, another religious boy who'd overheard the conversation saw that I was still quite perturbed by the conversation and tried to explain to me that it's because the boy was orthodox that he was sexist. Because orthodoxy is inherently incompatible with feminism.

End of Story.

Beginning of rant.

OMG WTF!!!!

We weren't even talking about women layning from the torah and being rabbis (both of which I think are fine btw). We are talking about the division of labour within the household. Who the fuck are you to tell me or any couple how their marriage should work? If in one marriage the man cooks or in another the woman does, or they share it, what the hell is wrong with that? And who are you mr.20-something-singleton to be the authority on a functional marriage?

What makes me most angry about this, is that the boys hid behind their religion to support their bigotry. Well you know what? It's my religion too! And my G-d and my Torah doesn't obligate me to get married. No, b/c halachically that obligation is on the man. So too the Torah doesn't require that I have children rather the obligation is on the man. Oh and guess what - the same goes for the education of children. That too is the responsibility of the husband. So if we want to talk about halachically who is responsible for the home - oh that's right it's the man! But I'd never tell a man off for not personally looking after his kids b/c you know what? It's their fucking prerogative and I have no say in how they should live their lives or run their homes. So don't fucking tell me what I should and shouldn't do in the name of G-d. B/c I've read the sources, I know my stuff and there ain't nothing wrong with my husband and I both doing the cooking.

The biggest issue I have with these two stories is the lack of recognition of women's shared humanity with men. Boys/men frequently are so focused on the differences between men and women that they forget the commonalities. They forget that we both have brains that need stimulation. That we both want to contribute to the world and have a sense of purpose. That we all need to be part of society with friendships and individual identities.

The saddest part of these stories though, is the impact it will have on these boys lives. Because they will never really love a woman. They will love the way she makes them feel or the things she does for them but they will never understand her separate to her function to a man as a help-meet. They will never recognize her intelligence, her kindness, her wit and joy and compassion. They will never have a life-partner, somebody to navigate the world with and build a home together. Instead they will have a half-person who exists only as a vessel by which the boy can achieve. They will never really love and for that I feel sorry for them.

And thus ends my rant.

Not on a note of anger but in an exhale of pity.

First Dates

Recently I've been on a few first dates. They are the single biggest waste of time in my life other than Boston Legal of late.

Appropriate topics of conversation include:

- The weather

- What your native community is like

- The difference between Australia and "insert nationality here"

- The difference between Western countries & Israel

- Any mainstream hobbies you practice

- The weather

Taboo topics include:

- Politics

- Religion

- Marriage

- Family dysfunction

- Person quirks/idiosyncrasies

- Sex

- Anything which may actually help you determine whether or not you would like to go on a second date with this person let alone spend the rest of your life with them.

Boys of Jerusalem: Yes, I agree it is freaking hot. No, it's not possible to live in this heat. Yes, I feel very sorry for you that you don't have air conditioning. Wow, isn't it fascinating that your community had x number of Jewish day schools. Yeah, isn't it hilarious that I say 'footpath' instead of 'sidewalk'. Just. Freaking. Hilarious. You play basketball? Wow. Yeah, it is weird that milk comes in plastic bags here. And yes, I'm still aware that its very hot in Jerusalem but baruch hashem we don't live in Tel Aviv with the humidity and the sinners.

Young men of the holy city take note: I could have flowing conversation with a tree. Just because I'm smiling and nodding does not mean that I'm actually listening to what you have to say. Because you are saying exactly what the young man before you said - That is: nothing of any importance.

I am hoping that second dates will turn out to be more useful. By that I mean that I intend to drop the 'oh did I mention that I'm a left-wing-frum-feminist-tree-hugging-heretical-hippy' bombshell.

Wish me luck.

Anonymity

I made a near-fatal mistake. I told somebody about my blog and now I want to blog about them. I have a hilarious story about a person and I can't share it . It's becoming increasingly frustrating and blocking my otherwise hilarious writing ability.

So to comfort myself from the depths of regret I will let ya'll know what my street has the yours probably doesn't.

- 4 shules, only one with a womens section.

- it has a plastic bottles recycling bin, a paper recycling bin and a public gniza.

- it has a well or a mikvah every 100 meters

- the record store nearby has been playing sefardi slichot non-stop for the past week

- a makolet (milkbar) that takes siesta from 1-3pm everyday.

and now what my street doesn't have:

- footpaths (sidewalks for those of u in the US)

- trees

- manners

sabbatical salutations to each and everyone of you (except the person who i want to blog about... u deserve to be woken up many times during your shabbat shluf)

Little People

So I don't know whether you've noticed yet but I'm one of those people that gets approached all the time. On buses old folks talk to me and pinch my cheeks, on the street men follow me and in parks children are constantly nudging me to play with them.

My housemate is the same. She too is constantly being given free food in the shuk or being told somebody's life story while in queue at the bank.

Now, I know that we are both total babes and who wouldn't want to talk to us but I get the feeling that there's something else going here.

The two of us are about 5ft nothing. We are two of the tiniest people within the normal height rage. At bars the average guess is that we are 16 years old.

So it is my guess that people feel comfortable talking to us because we are physically not intimidating at all. We seem very harmless and if anything very inviting (despite the fact that we'd probably prefer to be left alone).

In particular I think this applies the men who approach us. Gross men who irritate young women in public, apart from maybe looking to get lucky, are more likely looking to feel powerful. They are generally blokes whose lives are not going so well. They probably don't have much education or wealth or skillz with the ladies. Accordingly chatting up or accosting some 50kg chick is going to make u feel in control and strong and masculine. Well it's nice to know that I can help.

But to the sleazy men of Israel I say "FUCK OFF!"

p.s. get ready for a new date with a new boy folks

Stuff Haredim Like

For those of you in chul here is a special broadcast of the latest trends in the haredi world. Ordered from least popular to most.

5. Energy drinks.

Apaz it takes alot out of a bloke to be unemployed and not help around the house. But luckily for the Haredim there are a plethora for super caffeinated drinks that are rapidly being consumed by this rapidly expanding demographic.

4. Capes.

Don't be fooled by this trend. It is still in the high 30s every day. The women are fully dressed with long sleeved shirts buttoned up and tights and the lot. But still to protect oneself from any chance of feeling the breeze, a cape the newest fad. It's not even like haredim have super powers!

3. Staring.

Be it a fat person, a near-nekkid chick or somebody having a heart-attack there's nothing as relentless and as widespread as the open mouthed unblinking Haredi stare.

2. The Quif

We all knew it a few years back. When highschool girls around the world decided that they wanted to channel Elvis Presley or any male character in Grease and began embrasing the quif. But now thanx to impressive sheital machers this trend needen't end when you drop out of high school to get married. Baruch Hashem, soon by you too!

1. Raising children.

Stam. They don't raise them, they just plant them and then like wild flowers the children raise themselves. I know this because I was taking a bus through Har Nof this week and I saw a baby trapped in a window flower box on the 3rd floor in nothing but a nappy tapping on the window to be let in.

With that - Shabbat Shalom.

For those interested in stuff people like please see

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ & http://whitestuffpeoplelike.wordpress.com/