Coming Home

Look I'm not going to pretend to be overjoyed about returning to Melbourne. I really enjoy living in the middle east where rights and civil liberties are still being developed. It's fun to be in the thick of it.

But since I have to return anyways I may as well make the most of it. And so, I bring to you all a list of what I am looking forward to down under.

1) Driving. Granted I could do this anywhere but only in Melbourne do I have a car. No more hours spent on buses with babies crying and lechery old men. Or young men. Or very aggressive lesbians. Look, I love the masses but I'd prefer to not be stuck in a giant metal moving box with them sweating and farting. Furthermore, despite all aspersions cast on my driving due to the absence of a y chromosome, I can reverse parallel park like a pro (in front of Glicks on a Friday) and replace a fan belt with a pair of stockings. Impressed? You should be.

2) Coffee. Obviously we all know that Sydney got the Lebanese while we got the Italians. Hence we got coffee and they got kebabs. I'd say we got the better deal. I miss not having to ask for my coffee to be warmed up. Or having to return it for being burnt. Or for having too much milk. Or for my latte coming in a giant mug. Or having to ask for water with my coffee. You may call me a snob but I'll just roll my eyes, pointed exhale at the plebeians and search for my next caffeine fix.

3) The beach. I know that it's more of a bay and that its full of pollution and 3 eyed fish but after living in a landlocked city you come to appreciate having a large body of water at your doorstep. It's so relaxing. Besides it's a prime talent (read: boy) scouting location.

4) Culture. I know Jerusalem is trying. But they have bigger fish to fry than encouraging bands and poets to be creative on it's streets. I miss the million live shows on every night of the week. I miss the film festivals. And the street markets and the slam poetry. It's lovely that there's almost a handful of tolerable bars or restaurants in Jlem but sometimes a girl would like a few more options.

5) Bagels. They just don't get it. A bagel is not a bread roll with a hole in the middle. It has to be boiled and sold to you by a tiny eastern European man on a Sunday morning. Otherwise it simply will not do.

6) Sundays. Seriously. Just think how much happier the middle east would be if they had Sundays off. They would probably stop blowing stuff up even. Woah. If you'll allow me to kvetch for a moment I'd like to let y'all know that for the past while I've been at university from 7.30am till 8pm every Sunday. Think about what you were doing on Sundays. Reading the paper. Going for a bike ride. Eating a bagel. All the while I was in a class in a foreign language being lectured about divorces and other miserable things. It was enough to make me want to blow stuff up too.

7) Fashion. Sometimes it's too overwhelming to even contemplate. Other times it's hilarious enough to photograph. Curly mullets? Stone washed denim? Leg warmers? Jeggings! I know Melbourne sometimes is a little bit too in love with black. But I'll happily take that over socks and sandals any day. Unless they are ironic hipster socks and sandals that is.

8) Offices open at regular hours. The bank. The post office. The doctors office. Why are you only open every second Thursday from 10-12 and then from 3.30 till 5 if the moon is waxing but not if it's erev chag! When am I meant to get shit done if you're never open???

9) Saturday newspapers. I miss you Danny Katz! And "The two of us" section has been missing from my life for too long now. Not to mention some quality Friday night AJN.

10) I suppose maybe kinda sorta a bit my family and friends. But only just a little.