Egalitarianism

So for a feminist I realised that my blog has been incredibly sexist for a while now. Some time ago I did a post about what a boy's kippa says about him. However, until this very moment I was yet to give women their fair and equal treatment/mockery.

So here goes.

1) Classic silver striped low bun - this look has been around for some time now. It at some point was a staple of the young married dosit's look. The truth is that's its almost only used by older women or chuznikiot who haven't caught up with current mitpachat fashions. Ultimately it's the head-covering equivalent of a 3/4 top and a denim skirt. Yawn.

2) 7 scarves at once/a single mitpachat that looks like 7 scarves at once - These girls are up to date. They are helping the stalls in the tachana hamerkazit do a brisk business. However, the layers of lace, metallic fabrics and florals may send some viewers into epileptic fits. These specimens are most frequently found in the hallowed halls of Bar Ilan and/or any institution teaching special ed or one of the therapies (my favorite:knitting therapy).

3) Turban - you live in Nachlaot, clap at the designated times during davening, don't believe in shoes or immunization. You think quinoa belongs to each food group and your husband has waist length dread-locked payos. But seriously with all that fabric wound around you hair - how do you keep your head up? No, but like seriously - what if you need to pick something up off the floor?

4) Kerchief with most of your hair out (in bun, pony-tail or loose style) - these lovely ladies are liberal and educated. They are commonly found to be doing their masters in talmud or biblical criticism. Such hair covering practices are not infrequently accompanied by (heaven forbid - loh aleinu) PANTS! (queue ominous music...) It's well known that these women do not believe in god or our mesorah and are all lesbians.

5) Pornstar Sheitels - You obviously come from chutz l'aretz because otherwise you'd know that a) sheitels are expensive and b) they are assur (and they bring ayin hara so you won't get pregnant - ask R'Ovadiya Yosef for more details). Either that or you are from Chabad. In which case you are goddam smoking hot and don't see any reason why the minor issue of your marriage should get in the way of you playing a key role in many a bochur's hirhurim. If you need clarification of these delights Google 'Hot Chanis.'

Clearly this is an incomplete list. I have yet to consider the bejeweled velvet foam-lined tichels/snoods or the glories of straw-like sheitels with a hat on top. However, in an effort to be as offensive as possible I will simply lump these others in the category of yiddish-speaking, baby-making, sensible-shoe-wearing frumness.

So there you have it loyal readers. The joys of caricatured head-coverers.