Jew-Spotting

Look, I'm aware that this is going to be a particularly racist post. But you are all just going to have to deal. Or dob me in to the ADC. I dare you.

Since returning to the diaspora I have also returned to Monash Jewniversity. In my three years at the Clayton campus I am yet to have even one tutorial without a fellow member of the covenant in there with me. The thing is, that after a year of playing spot-the-goy, my Jew-spotting skills need some work. So in an effort to help myself and help you fellow bird(nosed) watchers I've compiled a list of clues to figure out if the kid at the end of the row is also a member of the tribe.

1) Appearance - I know it's a stereotype but yids are not known for their height. Or good looks. Or reasonable sized noses. So if the suspect is below average height with below average looks with a perfect nose. You know they are a member of the tribe with a great plastic surgeon.

2) Jew-fro - on boys expect a full blown fuzz of brown frizz around their head - sometimes it even makes it onto their faces in the form of a mono-brow. On girls, curly brown hair is a give-away. But do not be fooled by straight hair. Ironing out your hair-inheritance is another classic trick of the Jewess. Look for 'too-straight' hair or tell-tale kinks at the roots. While we are on the topic of hair - let us not forget premature male-pattern balding. I'm not saying that all Jewish boys have it - I'm just saying that I haven't seen it on the goyim.

3) If you're in first year - expect to see Bialik and Scopus sports fleece jumpers. These are worn in amongst the Scotch, MLC and Xavier jumpers too. We loves the spoilt rich kids. But by second year Lacross/Rugby/Rowing school team jumpers are out, replaced with anything that is not a school uniform being worn voluntarily in a non-school environment.

4) Glasses. I'm sure that these kids haven't been spending too much time in front of a talmud with tiny Aramaic script in a dark yeshiva in Poland. But nevertheless the house of Jacob have a fraught history with myopia. Therefore lenses in frames or of the contact variety are big give-aways. However, be warned. Big thick nerd glasses have recently been adopted by the hipster gentiles as a fashion statement. So be careful, just because Sarah the leggy blonde in Eco 101 has glasses, this doesn't mean that she's safe to bring home to your mother.

5) Breaking into a sweat when Students for Palestine makes announcements. Nobody else is paying any attention. They are on their iPhones and Macbooks making witty comments on facebook. The Jews, however, are hanging on every word. They are looking out for the hints of antisemitism. They are waiting for these announcements to rile up the entire class of administration law into an Israel-bashing frenzy from which they will have to flee and live in the forests by the hockey pitch. People reading the BDS posters are also likely to be circumcised. Though that may be because they are Muslim.

6) Packed lunch. This relates in particular to those with Y-chromosomes. Jewish mothers (like many ethnic minority mothers) like to mother. This includes worrying and inflicting guilt as well as feeding. So if you are sitting next to a 3rd year Law/Commerce student with a packed lunch of a cream cheese bagel and a juice box, drop him a shalom aleichem. Then invite him over for friday night dinner.

And so there begins my decent into full blown racial profiling. Good times.

If you have any other tips feel free to leave a comment.