Mental Illness

I clearly must have some sort of mental illness that affects religious girls of my age. The sickness of my soul is as follows almost every night this week I dreamed about a wedding.

1) I dreamed that it was the day before my wedding and nothing was organised. I didn’t have a dress or a venue or caterers or photographers and nobody was invited yet. Then the groom rocked up with his mother. Only then did I discover that I was marrying a Thailandi migrant worker. His very old and wrinkled mother was very happy that he was marrying a white girl. I however was very confused how any of this came to be.

2) I dreamed that my friend and I had to pretend to be married to allow him to stay in the country. In order to fool the authorities we decided that throwing a sheva brachot party is the way to convince them that we are a real married couple. However the only couple we could find to throw a party for were Druze. This presented its own problems since the Druze women wouldn’t sit at the same table as the men. Just as we were trying to settle this, the authorities came and we had to pretend that the party was going really well while all around us the Druzim were fighting and yelling at eachtoher. Very strange indeed.

3) I dreamed that I was at an Ethiopian wedding and I was trying to get a tremp (lift) back to Jerusalem. But I don’t peak Amharic so it was impossible to communicate with the guests. There were also many many guests and being quite little, I was feeling very crushed by the masses.

4) I dreamed that I was marrying a boy from my home town. There were once again lots of logistical problems with the wedding – the venue didn’t have any tables or chairs and the chupa was too short for us to stand under. So I met up with him to discuss these problems but then Igot really upset that this was going to ruin my bedeken.

What we see from these dreams is that I clearly have anxiety about marriage/weddings since none of these dreams were positive or happy. They were all stressfull and overwhelming. I think this makes sense since many of my friends are married or are getting married and sometimes I suppose I feel super overwhelmed by this, hence the dreams. Thanks Freud. Oh and I have penis envy and mother issues.

In other news the yomim noraim zionim were wonderful – I went to a tekes at kikar rabin – there were like 10,000 people there, it felt like I was there with the entire nation. The next day I went to Har Herzl. The night of yom haatzmaut was spent dancing rikudei am in kikar safra and watching the many concerts around the centre of town. In traditional style the day was spend at a barbeque in gan sacher. It was different however because ours was vegetarian.

All in all it was a beautiful Zionist experience. Golda would have been proud.

Things My Mother Taught Me

In honour of Mothers Day I will share with you some very important lessons that my mother taught me.

1) Pack Up As You Go. She told me this at least once a week growing up. This is because I am/was not the neatest of people and therefore every Friday I had to spend a lot of time tidying my room or the study. She would patiently explain every single week that if i would tidy up as I went through the week then I wouldn't have had to waste my time on Fridays cleaning. I'd say that I still haven't really absorbed this message.

2) Never Leave Things Out Of The Fridge For More Than 4 Hours Cumulatively. This means that if your chicken is out of the fridge for 2 hours one day and then another 2 hours the next day you should either eat it immediately or throw it out. This advice has saved me from many potential sources of food poisoning.

3) It's Not All About Me. If somebody isn't treating you nicely or is frustrating you its very rarely a reflection of you. Most of the time people have their own issues or hang ups that are causing their behavior. In most cases it's not personal.

4) You Did Nothing To Deserve What You Have But It Didn't Come Without Obligations Attached. If you've been given an education you have to help others access that as well. If you have opportunities then your should use them to give others opportunities as well.

5) Nobody Else Is Responsible For You. If you want to eat in life then you need to find a way to buy your own food and cook it too. If you make mistakes own them and learn from them.

There you have it. The top five lessons from Mother Bogan.

Egalitarianism

So for a feminist I realised that my blog has been incredibly sexist for a while now. Some time ago I did a post about what a boy's kippa says about him. However, until this very moment I was yet to give women their fair and equal treatment/mockery.

So here goes.

1) Classic silver striped low bun - this look has been around for some time now. It at some point was a staple of the young married dosit's look. The truth is that's its almost only used by older women or chuznikiot who haven't caught up with current mitpachat fashions. Ultimately it's the head-covering equivalent of a 3/4 top and a denim skirt. Yawn.

2) 7 scarves at once/a single mitpachat that looks like 7 scarves at once - These girls are up to date. They are helping the stalls in the tachana hamerkazit do a brisk business. However, the layers of lace, metallic fabrics and florals may send some viewers into epileptic fits. These specimens are most frequently found in the hallowed halls of Bar Ilan and/or any institution teaching special ed or one of the therapies (my favorite:knitting therapy).

3) Turban - you live in Nachlaot, clap at the designated times during davening, don't believe in shoes or immunization. You think quinoa belongs to each food group and your husband has waist length dread-locked payos. But seriously with all that fabric wound around you hair - how do you keep your head up? No, but like seriously - what if you need to pick something up off the floor?

4) Kerchief with most of your hair out (in bun, pony-tail or loose style) - these lovely ladies are liberal and educated. They are commonly found to be doing their masters in talmud or biblical criticism. Such hair covering practices are not infrequently accompanied by (heaven forbid - loh aleinu) PANTS! (queue ominous music...) It's well known that these women do not believe in god or our mesorah and are all lesbians.

5) Pornstar Sheitels - You obviously come from chutz l'aretz because otherwise you'd know that a) sheitels are expensive and b) they are assur (and they bring ayin hara so you won't get pregnant - ask R'Ovadiya Yosef for more details). Either that or you are from Chabad. In which case you are goddam smoking hot and don't see any reason why the minor issue of your marriage should get in the way of you playing a key role in many a bochur's hirhurim. If you need clarification of these delights Google 'Hot Chanis.'

Clearly this is an incomplete list. I have yet to consider the bejeweled velvet foam-lined tichels/snoods or the glories of straw-like sheitels with a hat on top. However, in an effort to be as offensive as possible I will simply lump these others in the category of yiddish-speaking, baby-making, sensible-shoe-wearing frumness.

So there you have it loyal readers. The joys of caricatured head-coverers.

Post-Parentalage

So after my parents left it was really party time.

The first day after they left I did homework (woooooo) and then went on a tiyul with a soon-to-be-married guy friend. Just lettin' y'all know, he is engaged thanks to me so if you yourself would like a shidduch... you know who to call.

We went to Ein Karem. Not only are the views there of the Jerusalem forests breathtaking and generally inspiring but there's also awesome churches and landmarks there. In particular we enjoyed visiting the church of visitation but failed at finding the awesome russian gold topped one, for a giant gold building it can be very sneaky and hard to locate in a forest.

At the end of the hike was the Chindak maayan. Since it was still holidays for yeshivot there were lots of haredim there. So I sent m good friend ahead of me to check out the lovely male specimens (jokes!) and to ascertain their clothing status. He reckoned it was safe to continue down to the maayan. However, at the exact moment that I came to the maayan total full frontal nekkid haredim exited the cave that joins the maayan.

Sooooo much naked haredi.

So we promptly made our exit and tried to bury those images deep in our subconsciousness for later treatment by psychologists.

The next day was spent at work for CWJ.

But that night I went to my friend's tekes kumta near Ashkelon. It was surprisingly moving. There was such a mix of communities there. There were standard Sephardi arse families standing next to Druze families, who were next to the north tel Aviv Ashkenazi bourgeois, who were next to Israeli-Arabs and they in turn were standing next to all of us crazy Australians.

The speech was quite poignant explaining why there has to be an army, what they are fighting for (freedom, democracy, the future of the nation...) and the family that these (very) young (yet so good looking) boys are entering.

Obviously, I'd prefer it if we didn't need compulsory military service, I certainly hope that my kids won't have to serve. But I feel like it was nevertheless kinda of the best of a not-ideal situation.

Friday was spent at Hof Ha-Palmachim sailing with my Swedish descended friend. It was wonderful, I got to steer and we didn't capsize (not the same can be said for the others...). Shabbat was spent at his place in Peduel, his parents were away (party!).

Other than that life is now back to normal. Back in university (the last bit), back in my beit midrash (Tamar Ross gave shiur klali this week) and back to work at CWJ (the Prime Minister's office called today).

Until next time....adieu

The Parentals

Miss me?

So my parents arrived the Thursday before Pesach. I met them at 7am at Ben Gurion airport. Yes, 7am. It hurt. A lot.

We then picked up the hire car (which at no point was I permitted to drive) and went to the namal of Tel Aviv for a quiet port side breakfast. After that we popped into Yafo for the flea market, we then drove through Florentine and did some more window shopping in Neve Tzedek.

Following these escapades we drove north to Kibbutz Shefayim where we were staying that night. We went out for dinner with a friend of my parents in Herzliya. My parents went dancing that night and I reveled in the joys of Israeli TV. I can say, that having lived 9 months in Israel without a TV that I really haven't been missing out.

Friday included a brief shop in the Herzliya mall before driving further north to Zichron Yaakov. Conveniently, since it was Friday afternoon we did not see the first aliya museum, or the aaronson museum or visit any wineries. Which meant there was nothing to do in Zichron. The place however was otherwise adorable. The buildings are old, the restaurants have very nice food and the shops are all artsy and craftsy. We spent shabbat in a very small hotel there and on motzash my parents went dancing again and I returned to my beloved TV (this time to bask in the glories of Gilmore Girls).

Sunday we drove down the number 6 tollway (= best road in the middle east), I once again was not permitted to drive to Jerusalem. I then sent my parents to the Israel museum so I could spend over 4 hours cleaning the kitchen for Pesach. Fun times.

That night I took my parents to the best Italian restaurant in Israel - Topolino. We got stuffed artichoke hearts, stuffed sardines, Lasagna, beetroot gnocchi and chestnut gnocchi. H.E.A.V.E.N.

Seder was hilarious. It was my parents, myself and two of my Australian friends PLUS my dearest darling German Lutheran Pastor. He asked really good questions and even answered some of ours. But it was a bit awkies when we were asking the lord almighty to pour out his wrath to the nations of the world (ie: our enemies).

Post-chag we went back to Yafo to eat at Dr.Shakshuka and to window shop at HaTachana - the gentrified old train station between Yafo and Neve Tzedek. Highly recommended.

The next day was at the dead sea.

Back again to Tel Aviv for the Nachalat Binyamin street craft markets.

Shabbat and more Chol HaMoed in Jlem. Last day of Pesach I took my folks to the old city (which used to be my old stomping ground). In addition to the usual places, I showed my parents around the Holy Sepulchre just in time for Easter. It's a really beautiful church, more than a bit unfortunate that I don't really understand all the artwork n the like within it.

The next day my parents were leaving so we did some last minute shopping, I took them out for kubeh and french ice cream (mmmm basil ice cream) then off to the airport for their week in an airplane to arrive in Australia.

Things that I learnt while my parents were in Zion include the following;

- Jerusalem is nuts, everybody here is slightly mad/disturbed.

- There is such a thing as caramel spread, it's like chocolate spread but better

- One day I will have a degree and a job and will no longer be poor (but until then - thanks parents!)

- Cars are amazing, seriously superior to all other forms of transport. Other than unicorn. OBVZ.

Thus ends a summary of my parents visitation to Jewland.

Stay turned for a post on the following topics; my tiyul in Ein Karem (warning: contains nudity), my trip to a friend's tekes kumta, my sailing and sabbatical adventures.

Apart from that on Sunday I return to university. Sob.

KATZ!

Stories about cats.

1) When I was in sem there was a lovely girl who was frequently homeless b/c her apartment was stalked by an evil white cat. This poor girl was helpless and could not defend herself against the feline menace. Hence she would not unoccasionally sleep on people's couches to avoid being scratched to death by an old city mini-lion.

2) Just the other week I was returning home on a lovely shabbat afternoon to find two cats hissing and growling at each other right in front of the door to my house. In order to enter my house I had to get to the front window, slide it open then unlock the door and run inside. All these seem possible but for the two cats, one of whom was dripping blood from its mouth. I asked them very politely to move their disagreement to a more convenient location. They did not heed my request. So I called to a young man-friend of mine who was inside the house. He promptly came downstairs, opened the doors, used a broom and very loud hissing to scare away the cats as I fled to the safety of my kitchen.

3) Tonight as I was walking to the shuk for some delicious kubeh, stuffed vine leaves and cherry beer I was walking between two parked cars when I noticed a cat lying on the ground below me. My initial reaction was the assume the cat ad been sleep and that I had just woken it up. With my leg already raised above it and the presence of a tightish skirt, my primary concern was that the cat would leap up and attack my inner thighs (if ya know what I mean) even potentially get caught within the confines of the skirt leading to later pain, humiliation and possibly infection. But then I came to realise that the cat was in fact dead. This comforted me a bit however I was so shocked and concerned that I almost tripped and landed face first in cat corpse. But fear not oh loyal blog-followers. I recollected myself and escaped for the situation unscathed.

And so with Pesach fast approaching I think we should remember how much cats were adored by the Egyptians. Therefore as a sign of our freedom we should limit their existence in the holy land of Zion.

No but seriously local council - SAVE ME!

With that, I warn you all that my parents are arriving for the festival of unleavened bread and so my posting may bit even more sporadic.

As such I will take this opportunity now to wish you all a pleasant celebration of freedom and redemption (from cats).

CWJ

Things that you may not have known about family law in Israel.

• It is all run by the religious courts
• this means that if you are Muslim you are under the jurisdiction of the sharia courts, Christians under church courts and Jews to the rabbinical courts (beit din)
• This means that Catholics cannot get divorced in Israel
• This also means that if you don't have a religion then you can't get married in Israel (though this is changing)
• For Jews, the only option is an orthodox court, reform and conservative streams do not get any recognition.
• The courts are also mainly populated by ultra-orthodox (haredi) judges.

Some of the quirks of this system for Jews include

• the option for men to take a second wife but never for a women to acquire a second husband
• the power of divorce to be completely in the hands of the husband
• that if a woman refuses to sleep with her husband he now has grounds for divorce and no longer has to pay her the ketuba money.
• a woman can however explain her reasons for not sleeping with her husband but they better be good
• a not good enough excuse is simply not wanting to, a good excuse is that your doctor told you not to while you are undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer.
• that if you try to escape the system by having a civil marriage in Cyprus the rabbinate will still recognize that marriage and you will still come under their jurisdiction for a divorce.
• that you can be barred from marriage in your own country simply because you are a divorcee or a convert and your fiancée is a Cohen
• or you can be barred from marrying any other Jew if your mother was married to somebody else other than your father when you were born.
• the trouble is you won't know that you can't marry anybody because the black list is not publicized and there is no course for appeal or revocation of that status.
• that even if you try to protect yourself by signing a pre-nup the rabbinate will say that this contract led your Get to being not of your husbands free will and hence invalid.
• that basically the way for a woman to get divorced in Israel is for her to give up on her right to property and maintenance and children in exchange for the Get.

This is the system that I hopefully will be working in one day.

I suppose there's a lot of work to do.