Nothing but trouble

Ok I get it.

Secular girls love religious boys. Despite my many many many blog posts complaining about how they r mummies boys, they are closed minded and judgmental dem secular girls just can't resist.

All they want is they want is a boy who is essentially already their father.

Responsible. Reliable.

Concerned about the future. Couldn't possibly cheat on you. Bullied and fussed about by a middle aged woman.

I get that it's nice to see a boy who cares about things. He prays. He has self control. He obviously wants a family and won't be pressuring you into sex any time soon. Heck, he blushes just thinking of holding your hand.

I get it secular girls. But you are wrong.

Dem religious boys are nothing but trouble.

Trouble in a polo shirt, kippa and double knotted laces.

But for those of you who enjoy swooning please see http://gabydunn.com/post/2083903661/jewz

(obvz my fave in ginger jew)

And for an oldie but a goodie feel free to return to http://breakthedrought.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/religious-boys/

Martha Stewart

I have a dirty little secret.

I’m a domestic goddess.

I cook.

I clean.

I bake.

I crochet.

I sew.

Every person who walks into my house must have something to eat. If you don’t I’ll fill a little container with food and insist that you take it with you for the road.

It’s not a healthy situation. I have to hide this addiction. This is because religious boys love a domesticated girl. They want a replacement mother.

But I don’t want to be anybody’s mum. I don’t want to have to deal with the affection of boys who confuse hunger for love. I want somebody to like me for my brain, and then they get pleasantly surprised that they also get sushi salad and banana bread as a bonus.

So if anybody asks I don’t even know what a kitchen is.

Girl Talk has a new album out

Finally! It’s happened!

I fit in!

After 6 weeks of university in a foreign country, I finally feel like I have friends. It took a loooong time because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, law students are snobs, I wasn’t so friendly with them in Australia either, but here there’s a few here or there and now it’s all swell. Additionally, there was the language issue. Even though I can speak Hebrew fine, I’m not really funny or bubbly in Hebrew like I am (or think I am) in English. Also it takes more guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a foreign language. But I’ve done it.

Yay!

Apart from finally having people to hang with and wave to in the corridors, this occurrence has lead to some interesting conversations.

One of them in particular happened today.

So some background; I’m in a beit midrash about 15 hours a week for a scholarship. It’s going pretty well; it has religious people and secular people and boys and girls. It’s a dream.

So today during seder I was at a table of only girls. And for some reason while considering the Talmudic discussion of ‘an eye for an eye’ we began discussing the boys in the program.

It was hilarious.

I felt like I was back in Melbourne in Bnei Akiva or Mizrachi. The girls complained that there’s a heap of boys and girls the right age, background and interests and they just aren’t dating each other. The girls, as per usual, blamed the boys saying they are too shy or cowardly to ask out the girls.

Amazing.

By The Way...

By the way... you should know that I'm religious.

I get the feeling in my life that I need a badge declaring for the world that I'm an orthodox Jewess. I need one because despite the skirts and the sleeves and the necklines people still don't get that I'm religious.

Or even when they ask me and I answer "yes" they reply with "yeah, but you're not really."

By that I assume they mean that I think and talk and dress and think. And THINK. Also that I'm interested in film, music, poetry, fashion and philosophy and apparently religious people just aren't into that stuff.

So why does this bother me so much?

Because I actually understand why people think I'm not religious - sometimes I forget that I'm religious myself.

Additionally, I actually prefer the company of the secular. In particular, secular boys.

This is because they don't look at you with the starving eyes of a man who hasn't touched female flesh since he was 15 when his rabbi bribed him with pizza to make a promise that he will no longer touch girlies or himself. But at the same time religious boys never tell you that you look nice. They never reckon that you are wearing a wicked top or interesting shoes.

Secular boys on the other hand have learnt the art of the compliment.

But wait, there's more...

• Secular boys aren't always trying to evaluate your abilities as a breeder.
• Secular boys aren't scared of the fact that you study law.
• Secular boys aren't afraid that you wear colour.
• Secular boys won't judge you for drinking beer.
• Secular boys are ok with you being left-wing.

But there's also less...

• Secular boys don't get that you can't go out on friday night
• Secular boys don't get that Rambam is a top bloke.
• Secular boys don't get that you're not doing all this because of your family but because you made an informed and active volition to live a religious life.

Shit, now I've ruled out both brands of boys.

Shit.

The Age of Reason

So I've recently been to a couple of outings to the 'swamp/bitza' of Katamon J'lem. There, the natives engage in long and arduous mating rituals that are consistently unsuccessful. Which begs the question - why are these otherwise (mostly) lovely human beings epicly failing at finding a spouse?

This situation is particularly strange when we consider the status of non-religious 30-year-olds. These folks are almost always either married or in steady relationships. So why are their G-d fearing counterparts whiling away their nights alone, cold, in the dark, crying themselves to sleep?

I will tell you.

Shomer Nagia.

You see, religious people fall into two categories relationship-wise. Those that are young and naive and stupid and get married when they are 20 to somebody they've known for 3 hours (kidding... 3 months but same dif) and those that are 30 with 3 degrees, 2 jobs and live in Katamon.

That's it.

Two categories.

Take. Your. Pick.

This is where being Shomer Nagia messes with the situation. Because when you don't touch somebody you have to analyse the situation reasonably and a rationally. You simply can't get swept away with the moment and romance. As such you don't spend your dates holding hands and other appendages rather you ask your suitor responsible questions about their childhood, ideal parenting style and top three rabbis. Accordingly, if you over analyse any person or any relationship without the happy hormones from touching, you're probably going to come to the conclusion that you should run fast before you're trapped in a kitchen surrounded by children (see post on procreation regarding my fear of very young people).

This is however, unless you are young and stupid and naive and therefore willing to tie yourself to another human being and essentially place a significant part of your future wellbeing and happiness in their hands. You would only do that if you don't think about it too much.

The same goes for non-religious folks. They are so high on hot sex that they fail to notice that behind that ripped chest of a greek god is a vacuous self-absorbed mummy's boy. And that's why they manage to get themselves married or into relationships.

Only the religious who do not fall into holy matrimony at the age of gullibility fail to enter coupledom b/c they are simply thinking too much.

But its not their fault. G-d made them do it.

Grrr. G-d.

The Rules

Men of Jerusalem - in case there was some confusion, b/c it seems you don't know what's required of you - here are my expectations...

1) You are to call me to ask me out - do not text me

2) You are to call me with a date plan: where, when, what, who...

3) The day after the date you are to contact me - here I'm lenient and a txt will suffice - however if you want to ask me for another date or to let me know you don't want another date - a phone call is necessary

For now these are the basic requirements to get a first or second date with me. If you do not abide by them do not expect me to meet up with you, b/c I won't. Soz babez.

Texting

So I'm here to brag. About how awesome and competent I am.

Here's the story.

American friend: So I have this guy for you who's really smart and funny and good-looking and religious and lives in Israel. Can I give him your numba?

Me: 4 shiz.

And so Mr.Minty (as he shall be known to you folks) called and organised a date.

He doesn't live in J'lem so I agreed to pick the location for the date. (In case u were wondering I picked Tmol Shilshom)

I was not looking forward to this date at all. I've been on enough set-ups, particularly with Americans, to know that I always get thrown the freaks. The boys who only read puritan 17th century political theory, the boys who won't eat anything that's not white, the boys who will calmly tell you that Arabs are technically not human and the boys that complain about their mum on the first date.

So I went into the date with a begrudging heart.

But I came out with a happy one.

It was a really good date. He genuinely was smart and funny and good looking and religious. And all in the the right ways. By that I mean he was quirky good-looking (ie: a beard) and smart in a people and philosophy way not a nanotechnology way and funny in a sarcasm and irony way and religious in a 'I-practice-orthodoxy-but-I-think-Heresy' kinda way, ie: the best ways.

With him, I sat down with a total stranger and sat in a cafe and discussed religion and politics and philosophy for over 4 hours without looking at my watch or discussing any usual first date topics.

Ridiculous.

Now this was 3 days before Rosh Hashana.

So on the first day after the date I checked my phone about once an hour for the call.

On the second day after the date I checked my phone around meal times for the call.

On the third day after the date (erev chag) I sent him a txt wishing him a shana tova.

He replied with similar wishes. So we know that his phone works.

After the 3 day chag (by which time I was already irritated that he wouldn't have called me on the hour every hour prior to chag to sing my praises) I received a text from Mr.Minty asking me to the Israel Museum on chol hamoed sukkot. Which was a while away, but since he doesn't live in J'lem and we both had exams until then I graciously agreed.

BUT IT WAS JUST A FREAKING TEXT!

CALL ME YOU BASTARD!

But then I hear nothing from him until a txt this saturday night. That's right, 2 weeks of silence. Grr. The txt asked me if I was cool to go to the museum the nxt day. Now I may or may not have had plans (I did indeed) but that is beside the fact. You cannot ask me out on a date for the next day via txt after 2 weeks of silence.

I DESERVE A BLOODY PHONE CALL!

So I told him I was busy (which was true) and ended the txt with "another time?"

To which he replied "well, on the one hand it's hard to commit to something as amorphous as another time but on the other hand it's easy to commit to something as amorphous as another time"

I did not reply to that.

Instead I did the mature thing and called him.

THAT'S RIGHT - I CALLED HIM!

In this phone conversation I presented him with my understanding of the situation which was the following. The he was a nice guy and I'm a nice girl. However, he was texting me b/c he liked me enough to maybe see me if he was already in j'lem and had a lot of spare time, but not enough to call me to talk or to call me to organize a proper date, or even dates at all. Lord knows why he didn't like me enough for that but cest la vie. He also wasn't too keen on calling me to clarify that he didn't really want to go on another proper date with him. He agreed with my conclusion and seemed surprised that 1) I even realised that was what was going on and 2) that I had the guts to tell him that I knew what was going on.

In the end we agreed that nobody was going to be upset if we didn't go on another date. That maybe sometime down the line we may be friends and that communication is a super good idea.

All's well that end well. And hence my bragging. B/c I am the awesome chick who didn't let herself get strung along with texts and half-dates bi-monthly and who was competent enough to call him to let him know that she is too awesome to be strung along.

The lesson from this is the following: If somebody wants you they will call you, they will send carrier pigeons and small slave children with tattoos of love for you across their limbs, they will do anything to get in touch with you.

But if they r stringing you along they'll send you a text.

Moadim L'Simcha!

Conserving Judaism

I spent this week's shabbat at Kibbutz Hannaton, the only Conservative (Masorti) kibbutz in Israel. It was my first experience in conservative prayers and community.

As is typical of Israel both for Orthodoxy and Conservative Judaism there is a stronger adherence to traditional practice here than in Chul. But still some things were different. Men and women prayed together in shul with both of them reading from the Torah and being the shaliach tzibbur. Women were also included in the minyan of 10 people. Comfortingly however, the prayers were all in Hebrew and the service was otherwise identical to an Orthodox one.

I'd have to say that I felt really comfortable in the Conservative world. It always seemed obvious to me that women are people too and hence should be included in Jewish practice. I suppose that the only reason why I'm not Conservative is because I really value tradition and slow change. So even though I'd like Orthodoxy to move in the direction of Conservative Judaism, I'll be ok to wait another generation or two just to make sure they we don't change too fast and lose the really important bits of Judaism, for example our thousand year old practices that I reckon are worth preserving.

Other than that it was great to get out of Jerusalem and away from the intensity and hatred and stress and pressure that fills this holy city.

As a side note - the Frenchman is really not ready for religious dating. People are very vulnerable when undergoing conversion and I'd prefer not to get involved in that stuff.

However, I have another date with another American tomorrow night. We'll see how it goes.

Shavua tov

The Frenchman

There is a new boy in my ulpan class. He's French, but not the French boy whose top is so unbuttoned his nipples go flying. This is a new one who just started this week.

Here's what he's like. Tall. Broad. Big dark eyes. Thick wavy hair. Dresses so so well. Nice jeans and button down shirts and suave sunglasses. He speaks French (duh) English, Hebrew and Spanish. He's left-wing but still religious (like davenning in a minyan multiple times a day religious psht psht). He's funny and smart and we have great chemistry.

It's amazing after all these dates I've been on with all these boys how different it is when you just click with somebody. Then there's none of this "O, I guess I'll give them a second date" or "Yeah, they seemed sweet enough..." but no, when it works you just know.

But there's a catch.

There's always a bloody catch.

He's not Jewish.

His mum is Catholic, his dad is Jewish. He was raised as a secular Jew and has recentlyish been reunited with his Judaism. He's converting.

Which raises a couple of issues.

1) Why would you convert? GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! RUN!!! FLEEE!!!!!

2) What if I get involved with him and he changes his mind?

3) What if I get involved and he becomes haredi/super intense with Judaism b/c of the conversion process?

4) What if the conversion process takes another 5 years?

5)What if he converts and then the haredi rabbanut revokes it?

Anyways, so I'm generally not sure if I want to go out with him now even though he's otherwise supremely awesome.

But if I do want to go out with him how do I make this happen?

I've never ensnared anybody or seduced anybody in my whole life. I have no idea how to make him realise that he's obsessed with me.

My initial idea (please don't judge me too much for this) was to ask to have a chevruta with him. This serves two purposes.

1) I like to learn Torah with interesting people and he seems pretty interesting

2) It'll give him a chance to realise the full extent of my awesomeness and by logical consequence that he's in love with me.

But then I thought that maybe learning Torah with him may intimidate him or make him think I'm too holy to hit on. But I'm not. Hit on me dearest Frenchie!

So now I throw the questions to you folks out there:

1) Do I want to date a person in the process of converting?

2) If I do, how do I make that happen?

He-Man-Woman-Haters Club

Let's talk feminism for a moment folks.

There's been two incidents recently that have given rise to the need to blog on this topic.

The first incident went as such.

I was out with a guy friend of mine and a friend of his. The entire outing the two of them were making sexist jokes. Wait, that's unfair. Sometimes they paused to make racist jokes too. Women, according to these jokes, are stupid, slutty, uncoordinated and generally lesser human beings. When I raised the issue with the boys, they asserted that one can make sexist jokes without actually being sexist. Indeed that the fact that they can makes jokes about women means that women have reached such a level of equality that we can now make fun of them. To which I pointed out that there isn't a category of white middle-class man jokes. Probz b/c they are the ones making the sexist racist jokes.

The second incident occurred today.

I was sitting on the lawn during a break at ulpan. I was chilling with a bunch of religious boys reading some 'ben ish chai' (I'm know I'm way too frum for my own good). Somehow a discussion about marriage begins.

For the purpose of this conversation M is me and SAH is Sexist Ass-Hole.

SAH - If two people want to be married you can be married to anybody at all. If you get divorced that just means that you didn't want to be married enough. It has nothing to do with the actual person that you are married to.

M - No way. I reckon that there are some fundamental things that I could not have in a spouse.

SAH - Such as?

M - Well, if he wasn't shomer mitzvot I think it would make it very difficult to be married to him.

SAH - Ok, fine then. But within the religious world you could marry anybody and make it work.

M - I still disagree. What if he refused to ever wash a dish or cook a meal? There's no way I could be married to a person like that.

SAH - Well then obviously you are going to get divorced because u don't understand marriage at all. Your entire role in the marriage is to cook and clean.

M - And what's a man's role?

SAH - My role is to put on teffilin, your role is to cook.

M - *look of aghast despair*

SAH - Well, I suppose if you were 8 months pregnant and couldn't get out of bed then I wouldn't make you cook me dinner. But otherwise a marriage won't work unless each person fulfills their role.

At that, the break was finished and I returned to class with continued aghast despair.

In class, another religious boy who'd overheard the conversation saw that I was still quite perturbed by the conversation and tried to explain to me that it's because the boy was orthodox that he was sexist. Because orthodoxy is inherently incompatible with feminism.

End of Story.

Beginning of rant.

OMG WTF!!!!

We weren't even talking about women layning from the torah and being rabbis (both of which I think are fine btw). We are talking about the division of labour within the household. Who the fuck are you to tell me or any couple how their marriage should work? If in one marriage the man cooks or in another the woman does, or they share it, what the hell is wrong with that? And who are you mr.20-something-singleton to be the authority on a functional marriage?

What makes me most angry about this, is that the boys hid behind their religion to support their bigotry. Well you know what? It's my religion too! And my G-d and my Torah doesn't obligate me to get married. No, b/c halachically that obligation is on the man. So too the Torah doesn't require that I have children rather the obligation is on the man. Oh and guess what - the same goes for the education of children. That too is the responsibility of the husband. So if we want to talk about halachically who is responsible for the home - oh that's right it's the man! But I'd never tell a man off for not personally looking after his kids b/c you know what? It's their fucking prerogative and I have no say in how they should live their lives or run their homes. So don't fucking tell me what I should and shouldn't do in the name of G-d. B/c I've read the sources, I know my stuff and there ain't nothing wrong with my husband and I both doing the cooking.

The biggest issue I have with these two stories is the lack of recognition of women's shared humanity with men. Boys/men frequently are so focused on the differences between men and women that they forget the commonalities. They forget that we both have brains that need stimulation. That we both want to contribute to the world and have a sense of purpose. That we all need to be part of society with friendships and individual identities.

The saddest part of these stories though, is the impact it will have on these boys lives. Because they will never really love a woman. They will love the way she makes them feel or the things she does for them but they will never understand her separate to her function to a man as a help-meet. They will never recognize her intelligence, her kindness, her wit and joy and compassion. They will never have a life-partner, somebody to navigate the world with and build a home together. Instead they will have a half-person who exists only as a vessel by which the boy can achieve. They will never really love and for that I feel sorry for them.

And thus ends my rant.

Not on a note of anger but in an exhale of pity.

Cradle-Snatching

So who wants to hear about my recent dating escapades?

Well, you gotta give the people what they want.

This story begins 2 weeks ago on Shabbat. I went to a seuda shlishit in Nachlaot, hosted by an almost-30-yr-old-singleton. There I met Josh.

"So what do you do?" asks I

"Oh, I'm an accountant" the suitor replies.

"Wow, you must be rolling in it. Israeli accountants are loaded apaz" was my clearly inappropriate response. Am such an idiot.

But it seems that he was smitten with my adorable gall and chutzpah and therefore after shabbat he tracked myself and my number down. He then called me and asked me out. I politely accepted and hoped he didn't think it was b/c I was a gold-digger.

We went on a first date the following Saturday night. We had iced drinks (waaaaaay too hot to even mention the word coffee, just typing it makes me sweat) and then we went for a walk in the park. And yes, we did the whole sitting on a park bench with like a meter in between us to avoid any chance of any body parts grazing each other. B/c we all know that should that happen (chas v'challila) I immediately will become pregnant and will lose my place in Olam Habah.

So here's the vital statistics on Josh.

Original location: New York

Yeshiva: Mevasseret Zion

College: YU

Occupation: as previously mentioned - Accountant.

Now how old was this suitor? 29.

Yes, 29.

Yup, that's totally like only a few months away from 30.

Like 8 years older than me. Like almost born in the 70s. Like remembers a time before microwaves and the internet. Like may actually be interested in the spam emails offering cheap blue pills.

Anyways so I very quickly discovered that he probably wasn't so well suited for me. But I still went on a second date with him b/c I couldn't really find a reason other than HE'S SUPER BORING!

The second date was set for 8pm. Is this a dinner time? I had no idea. I called a bajillion people and the consensus was it was a dinner date. So I didn't eat lunch.

Wrong.

While starving and walking in another park I got to discover that this young(ish) man has been frum all his life, he never breaks the rules, he doesn't like music or film or books or torah or thinking. He likes basketball and sleeping. Fascinating stuff. Oh and he just loves talking like Woody Allen. But he doesn't realise he's doing this yet. Gosh, nervous over-analyzing New Yorkers are much more amusing on film.

The end of the date came around and he asked if he could call me the next day. At which point I very sensitively explained to him that I don't keep rules and that I like alot of stuff and that I like talking about it. Oh and I'm a left-wing-frum-feminist-tree-hugging-heretical-hippy.

To which he agreed with me that we might not be so suited for each other and that it'd be best if we didn't continue seeing each other and went on his merry way.

The same day two things happened

1) Some other boy changed his mind and decided that he doesn't want to go out with me b/c I haven't made aliya (this is actually ok with me, u'll hear the story behind this another time)

2) I got offered another date with another American. So we'll see how this one goes.

Am having another Jlem shabbat - should be fun!

Shabbat shalom

First Dates

Recently I've been on a few first dates. They are the single biggest waste of time in my life other than Boston Legal of late.

Appropriate topics of conversation include:

- The weather

- What your native community is like

- The difference between Australia and "insert nationality here"

- The difference between Western countries & Israel

- Any mainstream hobbies you practice

- The weather

Taboo topics include:

- Politics

- Religion

- Marriage

- Family dysfunction

- Person quirks/idiosyncrasies

- Sex

- Anything which may actually help you determine whether or not you would like to go on a second date with this person let alone spend the rest of your life with them.

Boys of Jerusalem: Yes, I agree it is freaking hot. No, it's not possible to live in this heat. Yes, I feel very sorry for you that you don't have air conditioning. Wow, isn't it fascinating that your community had x number of Jewish day schools. Yeah, isn't it hilarious that I say 'footpath' instead of 'sidewalk'. Just. Freaking. Hilarious. You play basketball? Wow. Yeah, it is weird that milk comes in plastic bags here. And yes, I'm still aware that its very hot in Jerusalem but baruch hashem we don't live in Tel Aviv with the humidity and the sinners.

Young men of the holy city take note: I could have flowing conversation with a tree. Just because I'm smiling and nodding does not mean that I'm actually listening to what you have to say. Because you are saying exactly what the young man before you said - That is: nothing of any importance.

I am hoping that second dates will turn out to be more useful. By that I mean that I intend to drop the 'oh did I mention that I'm a left-wing-frum-feminist-tree-hugging-heretical-hippy' bombshell.

Wish me luck.

Dealbreakers

So last night I went on a date with a boy. He was a friend of a friend and apaz we were meant to be great together. Accordingly, after some fb chattage we arranged to go out for dinner.

It was an epic fail.

But before we get there, I'll let you know the good things about him.

1. He was dressed very well. Tie, shirt, vest, old man hat, the whole eccentric youth thing going on. This is a rare trait in Israel and a severely under-valued one.

2. He's a feminist. His favorite t-shirt says 'real men marry rabbis' and was suitably crushed when I told him that had I not been an orthodox girl I defs would have gone for smicha.

3. He's super smart and into politics, Judaism and philosophy. Tick, Tick, Tick.

So why was the date an epic fail?

He just possessed too many dealbreakers.

Specifically two things

1. He's super ridiculously right-wing both re:Israeli politics and general politics. Like, he makes Tony Abbott look like a pot smoking tree hugging lesbian. Ew Tony Abbott.

2. He wants to live in Israel his whole life but he won't make Aliya because he doesn't want to go to the army. Why not? This is a direct quote: "I'm a coward." Oh and he doesn't trust the army ever since Gush Katif. Loh Sababa. WTF! You can't want all the Arabs to die and be expelled from their homes but not be willing to put on khaki and do it yourself. You can't live here your whole life in safety and security without doing anything to protect yourself or your family.

Which brings me to a more fun game of 'sababa v'hakol' which mean's everything is ok with this person (ie: they could be the love of your life) except for this one thing. Could you deal with this one thing?

So here are things I could deal with if the guy was sababa v'hakol except for this one thing.

• He only wears orange velvet
• He has a girls name like Nancy or Tracy
• He has a theme song that he sings to himself while alone
• He refers to himself in the third person
• His favorite food is oxtail.

See - I'm open minded. I'm not picky.

Except for these small tiny things.

• Must be Jewish
• Must be orthodox
• Must have gone to yeshiva/will go to yeshiva
• Must be into flexible halacha/politics/film/music
• Must be taller than me (but seriously I'm 5 ft)
• Must be smart
• Must be funny
• Must be willing to live in Israel
• Must be not be too right-wing
• Must realise that women are people too
• Must not have tiny hands/feet/ears
• Must not have a high pitched voice
• Must not have a super annoying laugh

Basically I would like a hilarious individual who has tchelet tzitit coming out of his super skinny jeans while riding his bike through the streets of j'lem listening to alternating podcasts from Vampire Weekend and Yeshayahu Leibowitz.

At the risk of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw - Is that too much to ask?

Festival de la Shuk

Tonight there was a "shuk tarbut" or culture market at the machaneh yehuda market around the corner from my apartment.

It was officially called "balabusta" and it was exceptional.

There was salsa dancing, capoeira, break dancing, afro-reggae, modern klezmer electronica, various arts and crafts and many different jerusalemites out in force.

While there, I was approached by Jews for Jesus. Unfortunate but true.

Tomorrow is my first day of summer ulpan at Hebrew U. I'm in level Dalet, it goes from 8.30am to 1.30pm Sunday to Thursday for the next 6 weeks.

Two last things

1. tomorrow I'm also going to the Jerusalem wine festival

2. I may have a date in the near future, I'll keep y'all posted.

Tu B'av

Sorry about the extended absence. You will be shortly hearing about my escapades in the past week which lead to a separation from my laptop and hence an inability to blog.

But first.

It was Tu B'av on Sunday night/Monday this week.

This day on the Jewish calendar is known for various love related customs. such as single girls wearing borrowed white dresses and going out into the field (or streets/clubs) to dance. It's a day for dating & marriage. Indeed I even went to a wedding of a close friend on Tu B'av.

But where does this tradition come from you may ask?

Well, the gemara in bava batra 121 a,b gives a couple of different answers but the most interesting (& also most accepted version) is the following story.

Now I know you are about to switch off but I'm telling you this is a good bible story. It's definitely worth a read.

So in the book of Shoftim (19-21 specifically.... impressed much?) we have a story about the pilegesh b'givah. It goes as follows...

A man and his concubine are travelling back from visiting the in-laws when they come upon a village in the tribe of Benjamin. They try to find somewhere to stay but nobody is willing to have them. Eventually a guy is super concerned about them spending the night on the street and agrees to take them in. In the night the villagers, having heard about the strangers in the house, come knocking on the host's door.

The mob demand that the host send out the man so that they can rape him. (WTF?!?) Anyways there's a bit of an argument and then they conclude that they will be satisfied with just the concubine being given to them. They then take the concubine and gang rape her all night.

In the morning they let her go, she crawls back to the house where her husband was staying and died on the front doorstep. When he awakes (seriously, what type of bastard can sleep while his concubine is being gang raped?) he opens the front door and finds her there.

Now what would a normal person do at this point?

-Cry?

- Bury her?

- Call the local police/law enforcers?

Well I'll give you a hint - none of the above.

Instead he choses to cut her into 12 pieces and send each piece to a different tribe all around Israel so that they will know what happened to his concubine.

Oh right, that's a healthy response. I feel like I may have seen something similar on Law & Order: S.V.U.

Anyways, the tribes of Israel freak out and declare that gang rape is totally not ok. To demonstrate this point they wage war on the tribe of Benjamin and massively decimate them. Seriously, there were like almost no Benjaminites left.

The elders of Israel were pretty concerned about the near extinction of a tribe and so they decide that something must be done about this. The problem was that the tribes had sworn not to give their daughters to the Benjaminites as wives. And in the bible promises are taken very seriously.

The solution went as such.

There was a festival on the 15th of the month of Av where virgins went out into the field and danced (apaz some sort of agricultural thingo). So the Benjaminites were instructed to go there and take the girls and rape them. You see in Judaism if you rape a virgin you are then meant to marry her (don't worry there'll definitely be a blog about rape & Judaism at some point). This solution meant that the tribes of Israel didn't actually give their daughters to Benjamin and therefore didn't break their vows but that the tribe could be replenished with these girls (against their will).

And therefore in celebration of this delightful tale young Jewish women world wide dress up in white and go out dancing and dating on Tu B'av. Charming aye?