International Women's Day

I have a story to tell y'all.

It happened just last night.

It began with a knock on our door. My house-mate answered and opened the door to find a haredi man with a long beard and payos, dressed in black and white. He asked for some tzaddakah, charity. So my house-mate gave him a few coins from her purse.

He then offered her a bracha, blessing, in thanks for the charity.

She normally says no thanks but this time she said; sure, why not.

He asked for half a glass of water for the ritual.

So she went and got him half a glass of water.

He said that we was going to have to put the water on her hands, face and stomach for the bracha to work.

So he starts waving his hand over the glass mumbling to himself in Hebrew. He asks for her name. Then her mothers name. Then her fathers name. He continues mumbling in Hebrew over the glass.

Then he dips his fingers in the glass and gestures for her hands. He rubs the water with his fingers over her palms. He then dips his fingers in the glass again and rubs the water over her cheeks. He then dips his fingers in the glass one more time and then places his hand UNDER HER SHIRT and rubs the water around her belly button.

OK. Obviously at this point she should have told him to leave.

But sometimes when strange and wrong things happen to you, you just freeze and don't know what to do. Your mind just shuts down.

So no judging the victim y'all.

He then steps into the house and sits down.

He covers his eyes with one hand and says that in order for the next step of the bracha to work she has to LIFT UP HER TOP. In her half stunned and shocked state she makes a weak attempt at lifting up her top but not really exposing anything, while he keeps one hand over his eyes and another hand gesturing over the water while mumbling to himself in Hebrew.

He then stands up and says for the next stage of the bracha their tummies have to touch.

With this she decides that she's had enough and asks him to leave.

But he won't, without a hug. So she lets him hug her. But he tells her that she has to hug him back.

So she does.

Then he leaves with the money that she gave him in the beginning. In essence she just paid him to molest her.

With this story I wish you all a meaningful International Women's Day.

http://www.internationalwomensday.com/

Free Love

Oh loyal followers of my blog, I have a problem.

I'm very very close to hating Haredim. In fact - if I were to be completely honest - I may have to admit that I already hate them. Very much.

Now, if this hatred was irrational I suspect that I would find it easier to get over, but I have so many good reasons to dislike the Ultra-Orthodox in Israel.

Oh radical fundamentalist Jews - How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

1) I hate that they do not work. There are whole tracts of the gemara and shulchan aruch dedicated to the laws of work - of finance, payments, ownership, employment and loans - and they weren't just written for you to study. They were written so that people can work in an ethical manner. Rambam himself was a doctor, Rashi had a vineyard and the Chofetz Chayim ran a grocery. And these were incredible minds who contributed enormous amounts to our literary wealth. You, the average haredi thinker - what brilliant commentaries on the talmud or chumash are you producing while you don't work? I admit that there's a place for the non-earners, just like there's a place in society for academics. But not everybody gets to spend their whole lives at university unless they are gifted and producing works themselves. So to the haredi masses I say - Get a JOB!

2) I hate the way they treat women. Women can't speak in public. Women can't learn Torah. Women can't have autonomy over their bodies. Ultimately the way pornography relates to women is the same way that haredim see them. In both worlds women are sexualized and seen as a source of temptation. The difference is that pornography attempts to embrace/exploit it while the haredi world attempts to cover/hide from it with head shaving, tights and ponchos. But ultimately in both worlds women are merely dehumanized sex objects.

3) I hate the way they don't serve in the army. Now I know this may make me a little bit hypocritical since I'm not serving in the army. I'll accept that criticism, however, that still doesn't make it ok for an entire sect of the Israeli population, many of whom support the settlements or even live in the west bank (betar illit is the fastest growing settlement) to benefit from the security provided by the nation's youth without contributing to it themselves. Not ok.

4) I hate what they've done to Judaism. Halacha, Torah and Judaism are very important to me and it hurts me to see what they do to it. They make it look like a religion of ignorance, of selfishness, of extremism, of violence and intolerance. To me Judaism is peace, education, morality and comprised of many different expressions and facets. Not everything is black and white. More than that, the more stringent opinion isn't always the right one. Every time they riot and throw acid/rocks/human faeces they desecrate Hashem's name. Seriously, not ok.

So with all these reasons why does it bother me that I hate them?

Well for two reasons -

Firstly, nothing gets solved with hatred. If I want to fix the situation, I'm going to have to understand and accept the haredim. And then help them change and grow.

Secondly, I believe that the temple was destroyed because of Sinat Chinam (baseless hatred) and that it will be rebuilt because of Ahavat Chinam (baseless love). Irrespective of my views on the temple and animal sacrifices and the like, if we consider the messianic era as just a super happy good time in history, it makes scene that love and not hate will bring this.

So I'm gonna work on loving dem haredim.

Maybe free hugs will be a good start?

Stuff Haredim Like

For those of you in chul here is a special broadcast of the latest trends in the haredi world. Ordered from least popular to most.

5. Energy drinks.

Apaz it takes alot out of a bloke to be unemployed and not help around the house. But luckily for the Haredim there are a plethora for super caffeinated drinks that are rapidly being consumed by this rapidly expanding demographic.

4. Capes.

Don't be fooled by this trend. It is still in the high 30s every day. The women are fully dressed with long sleeved shirts buttoned up and tights and the lot. But still to protect oneself from any chance of feeling the breeze, a cape the newest fad. It's not even like haredim have super powers!

3. Staring.

Be it a fat person, a near-nekkid chick or somebody having a heart-attack there's nothing as relentless and as widespread as the open mouthed unblinking Haredi stare.

2. The Quif

We all knew it a few years back. When highschool girls around the world decided that they wanted to channel Elvis Presley or any male character in Grease and began embrasing the quif. But now thanx to impressive sheital machers this trend needen't end when you drop out of high school to get married. Baruch Hashem, soon by you too!

1. Raising children.

Stam. They don't raise them, they just plant them and then like wild flowers the children raise themselves. I know this because I was taking a bus through Har Nof this week and I saw a baby trapped in a window flower box on the 3rd floor in nothing but a nappy tapping on the window to be let in.

With that - Shabbat Shalom.

For those interested in stuff people like please see

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ & http://whitestuffpeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Haredi Dreamin'

So I'm your typical left-wing modern orthodox chutznik chick. I go to shira hadasha, I learn gemara and I really like to be meikel*.

But my sub-conscious is haredi.

Exibit A:

I once dreamed that I was at a super important world leaders conference. There I met Tony Blair. This was before he lost his mojo.

You should all know that I have a thing for world leaders. There is possibly nobody more attractive in the whole world than Nicolas Sarkozy, Bill Clinton or Bibi Netanyahu. And don't get me started on the things I would like to do with Barak Obama.

But back to the dream.

So obviously with myself being absurdly foxy and witty, Tony and I hit it off.

Prime Minister Blair says to me in a powerful British accent "Should we continue this in my hotel room?"

To which I (as per usual) bat my eye lashes and reply "I would love to but that would be Yichud**, so no thanx."

WTF!?!

I couldn't even break the rules for a world leader?

I couldn't even break the rules when it wasn't real but merely a figment of my imagination?!?

Which brings us to Exhibit B:

I also once dreamed that I was escaping a burning building with a high school friend. Let's call him Fez. In order to escape the building we had to climb across a ladder from the third floor window to another building and then use the drainpipes a la spider-man to reunite ourselves with the ground. I happen to have an intense fear of heights. Yes, even in my subconscious. So Fez held my hand throughout the climbing ordeal and helped me escape from the burning building.

When we arrived safety on the ground there was a group of black velvet kippa wearing yeshiva boys celebrating their survival near by. They came over to us and we smiled/laugh/shouted for joy. They went over and hugged my friend Fez. They then came over to give me a hug.

So I took a step back and said "sorry I'm shomeret nagia***."

The boys replied "but we saw you just touching your friend on the ladder."

"Yeah but like that was to escape a burning building" says I.

"Well, if you touched him you have to touch us" say the boys as they step towards me.

They then proceeded to circle around me to give me a group hug against my will.

In response I shout "BUT I'M A BAS YISROEL****!!!!" at the top of my lungs, while I sit up and wake up from my dream in a cold sweat.

OMG!

But like seriously - where do I pull that shite from?

* creating and using loopholes to avoid actually keeping halacha

** The rules against being alone with the opposite sex

*** The rules against touching the opposite sex

**** a term connoting a pure, chaste, meek and pious daughter of Israel